Shut Up Nerds! – An Editorial By Lord Khorne

By Jack Stover | October 28th, 2016 | Categories: Editorials, jstove, satire

HEY ALL YOU JERKS ON THE INTERNET, GUESS WHAT? IT’S KHORNE, AND I’M STILL INCREDIBLY MAD AT YOU LOSERS!! WANT TO KNOW WHY?!

ACTUALLY, THAT’S A JOKE. FOR ONCE IN 40,000 YEARS, I’M ACTUALLY IN A PRETTY GREAT MOOD. WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE SHUT UP NERDS, THAT’S WHY!

THAT BURNING OF PROSPERO BOX JUST GOT RELEASED AND IT’S PRETTY SWEET. NORMALLY, BECAUSE I’M A CHAOS GOD, YOU’D THINK I’D BE PRETTY BUMMED OUT ABOUT THE IMPERIUM GETTING EVEN MORE CRAP TO PLAY WITH, BUT TODAY I’M ALL ABOUT PROS AND CONS. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

CONS– THE IMPERIUM HAS MORE TOYS BECAUSE APPARENTLY DEMONS AREN’T AS BADASS AS THEY WERE 10,000 YEARS AGO WHEN THE GAL VORBAK WERE AROUND.

PROS- FORGET WIZARDS AND THEIR STUPID SPACE EGYPT HARRY POTTER PLANET. IN YOUR FACE MAGNUS, BETCHA TZEENTCH DIDN’T TELL YOU HE SAW THAT COMING, BECAUSE HE DIDN’T. GO BACK TO THE LIBRARY AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK, LOSER!

NOW IN CASE YOU’VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK, WE GOT THE RULES FOR THE CUSTODES AND THE SISTERS OF SILENCE, AND THEY’RE NUTS!!

THE CUSTODES ARE BASICALLY JUST BETTER GREY KNIGHT PALADINS THAT LOOK WAY COOLER, EXCEPT THEY HAVE ETERNAL WARRIOR AND STORM SHIELDS, SO THEY’RE NOT REALLY JUST BETTER PALADINS, THEY’RE ACTUALLY PROOF THAT PALADINS WERE ALWAYS KIND OF DUMB AND OVERPRICED AND HOLY CRAP THESE GUYS ARE WHAT PALADINS SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

GUESS WHAT GREY KNIGHT PLAYERS, YOU’RE ALL DUMB. THROW OUT YOUR STUPID WIZARD PALADIN MODELS AND GO BUY BURNING OF PROSPERO, NERDS. HEY, I HEARD YOU HAVE A WHOLE CHAPTER OF PSYKERS. WHY DON’T YOU GO ASK MAGNUS HOW THAT WORKED OUT?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FREAKIN NERDS.

ANYWAY, I HAVE TO ADMIT THOSE GUYS ARE PRETTY MEAN, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, DID YOU SEE THESE CHICKS?!

LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU- FOR 75 POINTS PER SQUAD, OR 15 POINTS PER EXTRA LADY, SAILOR MOON AND HER FREAKIN SQUAD OF SAILOR SCOUTS WILL JUMP OUT OF AN ALLIED LAND RAIDER AND HOSE THE POTATOES OUT OF YOUR OPPONENT’S WEAK NERD ARMY! THEY’LL BE FIGHTING EVIL BY MOONLIGHT UNTIL THE BLAZIN SUN COMES UP.

NOW A WHILE AGO, YOU MIGHT REMEMBER I WROTE AN ARTICLE WHERE I PUT ALL THE NERDS ON NOTICE BECAUSE I HATED THAT KHORNE DEMONKIN WERE ALLYING WITH BLACK LEGION CYCLOPIA CABALS. THAT AIN’T RIGHT!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS I FREAKIN HATE WITCHES?!

WELL GUESS WHAT?! NOW THAT THE IMPERIUM OF JERKS HAVE THE FREAKIN SUICIDE GIRLS ON THEIR TEAM, ALL YOU GANDALF WANNABE DIRTBAGS ARE HOSED!! WANNA SPEND 3 OR 4 HUNDRED POINTS ON A BUNCH OF JERKS ON BIKES WITH FORCE RODS? WELL STICK THOSE FORCE RODS RIGHT UP YOUR SLAANESH HOLE, LOSERS!! FOR JUST 15 POINTS A MODEL, YOUR DUMB DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS POINTY HAT BUTT SQUAD DOESN’T EVEN WORK!

I LOVE THESE CHICKS. THEY’RE FREAKIN GREAT. THEY’RE INITIATIVE 5 AND THEY HAVE AN AP2 SWORD WITH A STRENGTH BONUS, SO EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE JUST WUSSY LITTLE NORMAL HUMANS, THEY’LL STILL CUT YOU UP. IF YOU TRY TO FIGHT THEM, YOU BETTER BE LIKE… OH I DON’T KNOW, A DARK ELDAR OR DEMONETTE OR SOMETHING WITH INITIATIVE BAJILLION, BECAUSE YOU’RE GONNA GET REKT!

IT’S LIKE THE ONLY THING THAT BEATS THESE GIRLS ARE MORE GIRLS. DID SLAANESH HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS? I DON’T EVEN CARE, I’M HAVING WAY TOO MUCH FUN.

SO HAVE FUN WITH 40K, DORKS. NOW IT’S JUST LIKE REAL LIFE, THE GIRLS ALL LAUGH AT YOU POINDEXTER NERDS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND IN NOW THE TOY SOLDIER GAME TOO. MAYBE INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF DUMB LIBRARIAN MODELS YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT SOME PROTEIN POWDER AND A WEIGHT BENCH, YOU FREAKIN BAND GEEK!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA