Satire- GW’s Amazing Idea Machine?

By Jack Stover | October 17th, 2013 | Categories: jstove, satire, Warhammer 40k

Imagine for a moment that you are Gav Crudward, GW’s most/least talented games designer…

Editor’s note, this article does not depict any particular company, and / or individual specifically. 

Obviously this is a light hearted article about what’ seems to be in the hearts and minds of fans everywhere as of late. Kids, Do not try this at home. -MBG

While sitting in your office and admiring the wall, waiting for the clock to strike tea time in lovely Nottingham, England, Kom Tirby kicks down the door to your office and begins shouting in a fit of murderous rage.

“Crudward!” He screams, “You’re writing the 7th edition space marine and/or chaos space marine codex, our flagship book! You need to come up with a hot new unit for all these suckers- I mean customers to buy that they don’t already own! Can you do it?”

“Of course I can, chief. Pip-pip, cheerio! Bob’s your uncle!” You exclaim.

“Good on you, Crudward! Hurry up now, I’m late for my insider trading conspiracy!”

Tirby leaves, and you set to work on designing the next big pointless and/or overpowered space marine unit. You haven’t had an original idea in years, but that doesn’t matter, because under your desk you have the saving grace of your career- Gav Crudward’s amazing idea machine, that you bought from a gypsy years ago in a caravan park.

You turn it on, and wait patiently as it creates next year’s ridiculous new centerpiece release for Codex Space Marines…

step 1, roll for first word in unit’s name.






Step 2, roll for second word in unit’s name.

Step 3, roll for vehicle chassis
1) Landspeeder variant
2) AV12 flying brick
3) Rhino chassis
4) Land Raider chassis
5) dreadnought
6) man in a robot suit inside a bigger robot suit

Step 4, roll for weapon suite
1) Godhammer schizophrenia- Twin lascannons and HBs, or another set of weapons with completely different roles.
2) Hurricane bolters everywhere!
3) gravcannon
4) conversion beamer
5) flamestorm cannons
6) ridiculous looking servitor turret with choice of Twin Las, Twin ACs, or Twin Plasma Cannons.

Step 5, roll for special rule
1) fast
2) scout
3) Power of the Machine Spirit
4) Assault Vehicle
5) Open-topped, carries scouts.
6) Cannot be Melta’d and/or Lanced.

Step 6, roll for Lore!
1) ancient relic from the Great Crusade that’s been here in the garage the whole time. Seriously.
2) STC discovered by Blood Angels but never shared with the Mechanicus.
3) New variant created by techmarines of Chapter X that is only for Chapter X, but will be in the vanilla marine codex for everyone next edition if everyone complains enough.

Outstanding work Crudward! You’ve done it again! Share your creation in the comments and tell us why we should all go out and buy it!

But wait, Tirby’s back again! Now he says he needs you to work your magic on the new Chaos Marine Codex, and make it snappy!
“No problem, boss.” You say, and you switch your fabulous idea machine to Chaos mode.

Step 1, roll for first word in unit’s name
1) Hel
2) Rage
3) Death
4) Spikey
5) Forge
6) Daemon

Step 2, roll for second word in unit’s name
1) Mutilator
2) Obliterator
3) Fiend
4) Engine
5) Kitten
6) Defenestrator

Step 3, roll for vehicle chassis
1) Rhino chassis
2) Land Raider chassis
3) Spooky Dragon
4) Dinobot walker
5) Dreadnought Helbrute!
6) Fat demon dudes that morph guns or power weapons or something.

Step 4, roll for weapon suite
1) Reaper autocannons
2) havoc launchers
3) Bale flamers
4) mutating weapon list
5) Sonic Weapons
6) Hades autocannons, may swap for ectoplasma cannons.

Step 5, roll for special rule
1) Demon
2) Soul Blaze
3) assault vehicle
4) It will not die
5) daemonforge
6) daemonic possession

Step 6, roll for Lore!
1) Its a 10,000 year old relic from the the Horus Heresy that’s been sitting in the garage the whole time, really.
2) Spooky Dark Mechanicus demon engine dinosaur thing.
3) Judas Priest album cover.

Good work, Crudward! Share your creation with the class!

That’s it guys, i’m outta here, BUT checkout my other fun and exciting articles by clicking this link right HERE-Jstove

About the Author: Jack Stover

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