ROB BAER WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE

By |2013-12-07T18:00:00+00:00December 7th, 2013|Categories: jstove, satire|

Hello Spikeybits, it’s Jstove again, and you don’t read this part anyways.

BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER, BECAUSE YOU’LL PROBABLY READ STUFF IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT LOOKS ANGRY.

Well, what you should know is that ROB BAER, owner and operator of Spikeybits, FTW Games, and sworn enemy of the Thundercats HATES MONEY.

That’s right, Rob hates money. He hates money and he hates civilization, and he wants it all to be swept up in an apocalypse that will throw this world into a state of barbarism and mutant tyranny.

Why does he want this?

BECAUSE HE’S NOT ROB BAER, HE’S ACTUALLY ROB BEAR.

That’s right, he’s a bear, as in, he is a furry carnivorous predator that wears jeans and a ranger hat and prevents forest fires. He’s a bear, and he’s coming for you. Specifically for your wallet.

How do I know he’s a bear? Well obviously because I’m slandering him on the internet. That’s all the proof you need. The other way I know is because he extended his sale a week, which only a bear would do, and here’s why.

1- The longer he has a sale, the less monies he charges for stuff. If he doesn’t make monies and charge for product, he will eventually lose all the shackles of humanity and society, and revert back into his true form, an actual bear.

2-Its a known fact that people who have no monies and no foods live in caves, under bridges, or in the forest. COINCIDENTALLY, ALSO PLACES WHERE BEARS LIVE.

3- Rob loves picnic baskets. He steals them all the time, he’s a heartless criminal. And a bear.

BUT WAIT, THIS INSANE CONSPIRACY GOES DEEPER.

You can’t just decide to have a sale just because you are a bear that wants to go out of business and go back to living in the woods and stealing picnic baskets and putting out forest fires.

Sales have all kinds of rules and stuff, because money. Yes, money. Its a magical force that uses numbers and math and science, and all that stuff from your sixth grade education you forgot from smoking all that weed in high school. Money is a jealous and evil god, and it demands worship and sacrifice. You must appease its magical power in order to do things like “have a bank account” or “use a credit card” or “own and operate a small business.”

So how did Rob, who is a bear, manage to appease the capricious money gods long enough to extend his sale another week?

SIMPLE.

HE IS ACTUALLY MUMM-ROB, THE EVERLIVING.

That’s right, not only is he a fricking bear, but he’s also an evil mummy that hates the Thundercats.

He hates the Thundercats, and he summoned the ancient spirits of evil to transform his decayed sale into SPIKEYBITS SALE, THE EVERLIVING*

*everliving means ‘one more week’ in this context.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU, THE CONSUMER?

Well, the bad news is, if you take advantage of this extra week of sales, you are supporting an evil immortal mummy bear.

The good news is, if you take advantage of this extra week of sales, YOU ARE SUPPORTING AN EVIL IMMORTAL MUMMY BEAR.

More importantly, this sale gives you one more week of opportunity to buy the SPIKEY BITS MYSTERY BOX, which you must purchase for all the hobbyists on your list, or else Rob says you don’t love them. Make sure you get one for yourself as well, or else you don’t love yourself. Self esteem is important.*

*Rob didn’t actually tell me to say that and buying things won’t fill the hole in your soul. Unless your mystery box comes with awesome new Horus Heresy Forgeworld models, in which case, it actually will. Contemptor dreads and sicarans are actually very fulfilling.

Also, read this part on the bottom that Rob puts at the end of all my articles.

That’s it guys, I’m outta here, BUT checkout my other fun and exciting articles by clicking this link right HERE-Jstove

PS this is a work of satire perpetrated by none other than JStove himself, with zero input from myself. Any depictions to actual people and or sales is strictly coincidental. -MBG

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