Ever wonder what the first meeting with Guilliman and the Chapter Master would be like upon his return? Well here’s one possibility!
ROB GUILLIMAN CALLS THE CHAPTER MASTERS
Robby G- Thanks everyone for showing up and having this little round table with me. Now that I’m back and in charge of the Imperium, there’s some things we need to discuss.
Azrael- Nice of you to have us.
Grimnar- Did you have to sit me next to this guy?
Robby G- What? Why? Oh for Emperor’s sake, whatever it is between you two, will you just quit it for the greater good?
Azrael- Greater good? Is that some Tau crap?
Robby G- What the hell is a Tau?
Grimnar- Nevermind. Helbrecht, weren’t you on that?
Helbrecht- We got sidetracked or something. You know, a lot of chaos to fight lately, priorities.
Robby G- You know back in my day, we wiped out a filthy alien species every Tuesday, and brought the planet back into the light of humanity in time for dinner.
Helbrecht- Yea, well in your day you had a whole legion… You know what, never mind.
Robby G- Yea, you know what? Let’s skip that for now. So gentlemen, allow me to ask you- WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU ALL BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST TEN THOUSAND YEARS?!
Azrael- Huh?
Grimnar- He means all your screwups, Azrael.
Azrael- Our screw ups? What about the second war for Armageddon, Grimnar?
Grimnar- Won it. Banished a Daemon Primarch while you guys were screwing around looking for Cypher.
Robby G- Cypher? He’s right here.
Cypher- Hey.
Azrael- What? But… Dammit… Errgh!
Robby G- Enough of your petty politics and hide & seek crap. We’re not here to play the blame game, because I know you’re all to blame. You morons, you’re the most powerful warriors and leaders of the greatest militaries in the galaxy, how did you screw this up?
Helbrecht- Don’t know what you’re talking about chief, I’ve been doing my job.
Azrael- *cough* Damocles Gulf *cough*
Robby G- I suppose your little speed bumps are to be expected, since I limited you all to only a thousand men in the Codex Astartes.
Helbrecht- Heh heh yea… Only a thousand men.
Robby G- …Are you serious?
Azrael- About what?
Robby G- How many Black Templars are there, Helbrecht?
Helbrecht- Well you know, it’s a crusading chapter. Fleet based, we pick up recruits wherever we can, and uh, I’ll get back to you on that and…
Azrael-Nice one.
Robby G- How about you Azrael, any secrets you want to tell us about the Dark Angels?
Cypher- I mean besides the ones I told him. Because you know, I’m Cypher.
Azrael- I plead the fifth.
Robby G- Great, so not only is the Imperium totally screwed, but none of you are obeying the most important rule I laid down before I took my power nap? The one that’s you know, supposed to prevent a gigantic, galaxy destroying civil war from happening? Really? How about you Grimnar, have the savage but noble Space Wolves at least adhered to the Codex Astartes?
Grimnar- Codex Astartes? Nah, got plenty of toilet paper over here, thanks.
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About the Author: Jack Stover
