Guilliman Asks: Is the Age of the Deathstar Really Over?

By Jack Stover | April 28th, 2017 | Categories: jstove, Warhammer 40k

Come check out the latest masterpiece from Jstove. Guilliman is giving us an earful again, but this time it’s about deathstars.

Hey internet, Roboute Guilliman here, and today I’m here to tell you that if you’re not wearing blue, you can suck my big fat smurf.

Magnus and I are both down to stomp your crappy army. You might think we don’t like each other, but look at our homies- We’re both backed up by a legion of blue marines. It’s like he planned it. Oh wait, he did.

So I ask you, you wolf cav spamming, white scar hit-and-running, librarius and cyclopia cabal abusing invisibility and sanctuary spammers- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN SMURFAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU, BROTHER?

So about those deathstars? They still going to work for you? That’s the question you gotta ask the Emperor of Metakind.

Before the Big Red Wizard and I came along, deathstars were easy-peezy. It wasn’t hard to get a handful of models that were tough as hell, buff them up with all kinds of dumb force multipliers, psychic powers, and storm shields and FNP, and just go to hoser town on your opponent because it was mathematically impossible for him to kill the whole unit in a turn, even if every model in his army shot them. It was the classic Unstoppable Force. The deathstar doesn’t even have to kill anything to win, it just has to show up and not lose. But don’t worry about the whole “not kill anything” part, we got thunder hammers for days to handle that.

But now that Mag daddy and I are on the table, what happens when the Unstoppable Force meets the Immovable Object? Here’s the problem- Let’s say for example, you’ve got a 650 point deathstar. Your deathstar costs at least that much. Guess what, that’s how much Magnus costs.

Magnus, in addition to being a giant sesame street character made of hatred and lies, has a S8 AP2 force weapon that turns you into spawn. So unless every model in your deathstar is an eternal warrior, he’s gonna blow through one of your expensive deathstar models every time you fail an invulnerable save… Oh, and he’s gonna get to swing on them too, because one of his pet demon princes is going to chump-challenge your big kahuna so that he doesn’t have to fight the speed bump.

And what about me? Well, I’m not a slouch either, I’m S10 AP1 and Strength D when I roll a 6. I’m gonna beat the shit out of Ric Flair at Summer Slam, because I’m your Olympic Hero. And guess what else? All my friends in the Ultramarines? Screw your army bro, I’ve got doctrines for days. Nobody wearing blue is ever gonna miss anything ever again. I’m just gonna turn Ultramar up to 11 and pull the knob off, and every model in my army is gonna get the doctrine bonus… Not just the ones the doctrine normally applies to. So screw math, that’s for nerds. I don’t even need to roll dice to table your army, I’m guaranteed.

Now I know what you’re thinking- You don’t care, because you’re gonna bring your own little wizard friend and he’s gonna make your invulnerable saves stupid too, and we’re just gonna go back and forth pissing on each other until turn 6. Well, I’m gonna get some Sisters of Silence or that Greyfax chick, and Charlie’s Angels are just gonna turn the lights out on you. Mag daddy over there, he doesn’t even give a crap. Him and the sesame street gang are gonna have so much dice in the psychic phase that he’ll just use half of them to re-write the rule book.

So I’m asking you punks, do deathstars still work when there are now one man deathstars in the game? Are you still gonna run that mess when Bubba Ray and Dee Von Dudley show up to put your army through a table? Because Papa Smurf the Godfather is coming to tell you that pimping ain’t easy, and I don’t just pick one warlord trait, I take all six, because my stable of hoes is as unbound as the collection of unbuilt and unpainted models you got stacked up in the closet that you hope your wife doesn’t find.

SEE YOU AT WRESTLEMANIA, HERETICS. OOOOH YEAAAAAA