Guilliman is another another one of his soap box rants, and guess what? He’s not happy! Come check out the latest masterpiece from Jstove.
Hello all you ignorant, corpse worshiping, fear-mongering morons of the Imperium, it’s your lord and savior Robot Bootay Gilly Man here to remind you why I woke up so SALTY after my ten thousand year power nap.
Chumbawumba called, they want their song back. I told them it’s mine now and if they want it back they can fight me in a steel cage match at Wrestlemania.
So because all you idiots have spent the last ten millennia doing that exact thing that we told you not to do at the start of the Great Crusade, and basically completely vindicated the traitor legions, it’s up to me once again to explain to you why you’re stupid and why the universe has come to this.
First things first, I’m 350 points of undying circus freak. That’s the worst part- Me being 350 points. Do you know who else is 350 points? All those wimps like Draigo and Abbaddaddoody, and they’re like literally half of me, because I’m a freaking primarch. I’m not even like Sergeant Slaughter vs the Iron Sheik, I’m Sergeant Slaughter and the Iron Sheik glued together, swinging the Undertaker like a club, while he choke slams you.
And if you didn’t get the memo, I’m not going anywhere- I have a 2+/3++, I’m Toughness 6, Eternal Warrior, Will Not Die, and I’m a damn Tubthumper. On a 4+ when I get knocked down, I get up again, with D3 wounds. Chumbawumba called, they want their song back. I told them it’s mine now and if they want it back they can fight me in a steel cage match at Wrestlemania.
But somehow, because I’m a Monstrous Creature and not an Independent Character, you crapstains think I’m going to be shot to death. I’m sorry, did one of the High Lords die and make you the grand master of strategy? I cost 350 points you idiots, if your opponent wastes all his firepower shooting me, you still have like, what, 1500 points worth of army left that he didn’t even touch?
That’s ridiculous. Oh, and just in case you have such a high motivation for my survival… And I don’t why, because I don’t even want to live in this galaxy anymore, there’s a formation for me in Gathering Storm 3 that basically surrounds me with a ton of WS and BS5 smurfs that can jump in front of bullets and Look Out Sir me. That’s just stupid, but that’s what I’ve come to expect from a galaxy full of mouth breathers with all the personality of a bald tire on an old Volkswagen.
Quick, one of you morons tell me what doctrines do. Anyone. Bueller? You in the back, yes you. That’s right, they grant re-rolls. And how many times can you use doctrines? That depends how you built the army and how many stupid formations you’re using that grant bonus doctrines.
Now, let’s talk about math for a second- If your entire army is Ballistic Skill 4 or Ballistic Skill 5, what happens when you get re-rolls?
It means, you idiots, that you’re math proof. That rolling dice is effectively pointless. Dice are for your opponent. You should just throw your dice out of your car into traffic on the way to the game store, you don’t need them anymore.
So now you tell me, morons, do you really think I give a crap about having to walk across the table when you can just pay 350 points to make your entire army twin-linked whenever you want?
That’s basically cheating. It’s cheating, but better, because it’s legal and you get a free monstrous creature.
What you gonna do when Robootay Mania runs wild on you? (BROTHER)
-Roboute Guilliman.
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About the Author: Jack Stover
