So, Sam Jackson has survived his way to 8th edition Warhammer 40K and he is ready to address everyone on the glories of the Hellhound.
Col. Sam Jackson is here today to talk… err…. yell about the glories of the Imperial Guard and how the Hellhound will punish heretics and be your new Thunder Buddy in 8th Edition.
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM. I AM COLONEL SAM JACKSON OF THE NECROMUNDA HITMEN AND I AM HERE TO TELL YOU WHY THE IMPERIAL GUARD IS GOING TO PUT ITS MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF THE ROCK’S BOOTS ON YOUR THROATS IN 8TH EDITION.
SOME OF YOU WRETCHED HERETIC MUTHAWITCHES ARE SOMEHOW MISTAKEN IN BELIEVING THAT THE GUARD WILL NOT DESTROY YOUR BUTTS THIS EDITION. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE WRONG.
I AM GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT MY FAVORITE UNIT IN THE WHOLE DAMN GUARD LIST. IT’S THE HELLHOUND, AND IT’S A PEACH.
SOME OF YOU MUTHAWITCHIN HERETICS ARE GOING OUT SIDEWAYS, THINKING THE GUARD GOT NERFED IN 8E. YOU ARE WRONG AND I AM GOING TO SEND BRUCE WILLIS TO YOUR PAWN SHOP TO STAB YOU WITH A SAMURAI SWORD AND STEAL YOUR MOTORCYCLE.
WHY IS THE HELLHOUND GREAT IN 8E? TRICK QUESTION, THE HELLHOUND WAS ALWAYS GREAT. YOU JUST DIDN’T KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU’RE A DUMB MUTHAWITCHIN HERETIC. IN 8E, THE HELLHOUND DOESN’T GET “WEAPON DESTROYED”. IT DOESN’T GET “IMMOBILIZED”. IT JUST KEEPS MOVING FORWARD AND SPRAYING YOU WITH BURNING PROMETHIUM UNTIL YOU DIE AND BURN IN HELL!
AT FULL WOUNDS, IT HAS A 28-INCH THREAT RANGE. THAT MEANS IF YOU ARE WITHIN 28 INCHES OF IT, YOU CAN GET AUTOMATICALLY HIT BY D6, STRENGTH 6, AP-1, AND D2 GALLONS OF LIQUID, BURNING PAIN.
IF THAT DOESN’T GET ALL THE SNAKES OFF YOUR DAMN PLANE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS? THEY’RE CHEAP! YOU NEED TO GO BUY THREE OF THEM. RIGHT NOW!
ARE YOU AFRAID OF DEMON PRINCES, GREATER DEMONS, GIANT TYRANIDS, MUTHAWITCHIN SHARKS, SITH LORDS? NOT ANYMORE YOU’RE NOT. IF THOSE MUTHAWITCHES GET INSIDE OF 28-INCHES OF MY DAMN HELLHOUND SQUAD, THEY’RE GONNA TAKE 3 D6 AUTO HITS OF DOUBLE-DOG-DARE DAMAGE RIGHT ON THE NOSE. THAT WILL KILL PRIMARIS MARINES, MUTHAWITCH.
I WILL FLARE MY NOSTRILS ANGRILY AT ALL YOU MUTHAWITCHES. BECAUSE I AM COLONEL SAM JACKSON OF THE NECROMUNDA HITMEN, AND I AM HERE TO END YOUR DAMN HERETIC LIFE.
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About the Author: Jack Stover
