Chaplain Primo Skelelicious Explains His $35 Hustle

By Jack Stover | August 16th, 2017 | Categories: jstove, satire

Do you think the new Primaris Chaplain and Apothecary are too expensive? Well, Chaplain Primo Skelelicious thinks you are wrong!

What it do Imperials. The name is Skelelicious. Primo Skelelicious. Chaplain Primo Skelelicious. Maybe you’ve seen my new model, I’m the Chaplain of the all Primaris founding chapter, the $tar Hu$tlaz. That’s $tar Hu$tlaz with dollar signs for the S’s, muh squigs.

Primaris Apothecary mainNow lately, I’ve been hearing some beef from you haters about whether or not my main man Dr. Dravius the apothecary of badassery and yours truly are worth the 35 dollar price tag. That’s some wack jive, muh squigs. That is some wack jive.

Allow me to explain to you why you sons of witches need to have the one man soul train that is Skelelicious in your army.

Reason Number One – I have a pimp cane.

Primaris Chaplain

Reason Number Two – Before I came along, none of you space squigs had pimp canes. Not even the original star pimp, Billy Dee “Works Every Time” Williams had a pimp cane and that brother was stone cold. The only son of a witch in the whole galaxy that had a pimp cane at all was that treacherous squigs Fabulous Bile, the archpimp of the Traitor Legions… And his pimp cane was all demonic and evil and voodoo and nasty, son.

Fabius Bile theme

Reason Number Three – Did I stutter? Pimp. Cane.

Now ask yourself, “Oh squigy self, am I going to allow myself to be outdone by the Chaos Legions, and allow them to take all the girls from my stable and convert them into the evils of demonic worship?”

And that answer better be NO. Now you run to the store and you buy that pimp cane.

Because you ain’t never getting no plastic Sisters of Battle if ya boy Fabulous Bile and Lucius steal all the honnies from your hood and turn them into cultist Kung-Fu wolf witches.

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About the Author: Jack Stover

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