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Comrade T’au Reports From The Bay Area Open

By Jack Stover | August 4th, 2017 | Categories: Age of Sigmar, jstove, satire

tau huge wal horiz

The Bay Area Open happened this past weekend and your friendly, virile Water Caste T’au Propagandist was there to watch the Gue’la lose.

Hello stupid, inferior Gue’la.

It is I once again, your heroic friend Water Caste T’au diplomat, here for telling you of how to be better person and get good at game of Warmasters Forty Thousand.

Today, I am telling you many thing you are already hearing before – That tau is best army in game and that silly smurf marine man and spikey evil marine man are both inferior knuckle-dragger for unevolved capitalist. But today, I am having the proofs! As if you needed proof, because you Gue’la are always watching the FAKE NEWS and clicking on the click bait headline of Spiking Bits cat man Rob.

Now that stupid storm magpie marine fly spam is over, all other ridiculous races in galaxy must bow before true Empire of Greater Good, Tau. Unless you are living under planet of rocks in dark, depressing hive city of Imperials of man, then you are knowing that GLORIOUS T’AU ARMY MADE IT TO TOP TABLE OF BAY AREA OPEN.

You can all be sucking of my big blue hoof. I am inviting you to be doing of the rude idioms as indicator of contempt. As special report, Tau Propaganda Department is having special interview with Glorious Commander of victorious T’au army.

Here is transcript!

Tau meme Issued

T’au Propaganda Artist – So brave Fire Warrior, how did you defeat so many uncivilized aliens?
Glorious Commander – It was easy. They were all uncivilized savages and it was my duty to bring them into the light of the Greater Good, through diplomacy or subjugation.

TPA – Were there any difficult match ups?
GC – No. All the enemies of the Greater Good were equally disorganized, unattractive, and dirty. The smell of their unwashed masses made them inseparable. It was like trying to find a specific piece of garbage in a dumpster. Nothing of value was lost in their deaths.

TPA – Is there a Mrs. Glorious Commander?
GC – Yes actually. I have recently been issued one. She has yet to arrive at her post but I am told that I love her very much and we will have 2.5 children who will also be strong, handsome Fire Warriors.

TPA – Do the Gue’la have any hope of defeating the Greater Good?
GC – Only if they bring a Guard Leafblower and get first turn.

TPA – Final question, how stupid are Gue’la, really?
GC – It’s hard to say, they can’t be that smart. They keep complaining about clickbait headlines but they keep clicking on them anyway. Their unpredictability and their self-destructive nature makes them hard foes to predict but, ultimately, they cannot outsmart a pulse rifle.

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About the Author: Jack Stover

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