40k: Evil Is Better Because Wings Are Included

By Jack Stover | September 1st, 2017 | Categories: 40k News & Articles, jstove, satire

Magnus The Red here, ready to drop the mic after explaining where good is dumb, evil will always triumph, and how you can get a sweet pair of wings.

Greetings corpse worshipers,

It is I, Big Red himself, Magnus the Magnum, the biggest model with nipples in the whole 40k universe. The only thing I was ever guilty of was loving my dad too much and trying to warn him. But now that it’s been 10,000 years and me and my stepbrothers are getting all these hot new models. Even though Mortarion is a huge jerk that threw me under the bus at the Council of Nikea…

I have something I want to say to all you misguided, misjudging, misled, loyalist wusses and your ignorant, roid-raging, Primaris Chad Marines.

It’s a quote:

“Evil will always triumph, because Good is dumb.”

I’m just stopping by to say, we’re better than you. I don’t just mean that because I’m with Chaos now and we’re bad guys and all that nonsense. It’s been ten thousand years, I’m over that sibling rivalry stuff. I got it out of my system a couple months ago when I messed up Fenris. which, I admit, now seems childish, but hey. We’re just bigger people now. Bigger than you. In terms of size, which I could always do anyway because I’m Magnus and I’m magic, but also in terms of character.

We’re also bigger than you in the only factor that actually matters in the universe, the one feature that determines whether or not you’re a hero or just another nameless conscript mook in the meat grinder of the nightmare future. I’m talking about wings. We’ve got em, you don’t.

Chaos-1, Loyalists-0.

Let’s make a list of all the loyalist Primarchs that had wings:

There he is, right there, bottom left. If you can’t find him, here’s a hint. He’s lying dead at the feet of the wingless traitor that just beat him to death and pooped on his soul.

Now, let’s take a look at all the cool kids in the ‘DADDY DOESN’T LOVE US CLUB‘ that have wings.

There’s yours truly…

And then there’s Morty…

And the other other red angel…

And of course, lest we forget, the king of Rock and Roll, Cokey the Clown.

So, what did we learn?

Have wings and be a loyalist = Die a horrible, thankless death that will traumatize your gene-sons for the next ten thousand years and corrupt their gene-seed.

Join Horus and the literal rebel angels in Hell = Get wings, your own legion, your own demon world playground in an alternate reality space hell, and get a giant, new plastic model.

HEY GUILLIMAN, IF YOU’RE SUCH A STRATEGIC GENIUS, WHY DO YOU WALK EVERYWHERE? HA!

Enjoy your worthless, wingless existence, losers. Oh and by the way, Celestine doesn’t count because there’s no such thing as plastic Sisters.

MIC DROP. BIG RED HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!