That attractive Tau Propaganda Officer has swaggered his way back to us to convince us that Custodes are nothing more than another failure by the inferior Gue’la!
Hello brave patriot Fire Warriors and foolish Gue’la of the Imperials of Manatees, it is I once again, your friend Comrade Tau to tell you of latest releases of Gulag Workshop and great failures of inferior capitalist Emperor and mighty victories of glorious Tau Empire of Greater Good.
Things not looking good for Tau, but worse for stupid Gue’la
Since last time we talk, Tau codex is in rough shape. By rough shape, I mean, does not exist and brave Tau generals still stuck in crappy index list until probably summer. But this is not important because brave Fire Warrior Commander is not needing fancy stratagem or wargear to defeat stupid giant blue space man that re-rolls all his blue smurfy babies. Why need giant smurf man for make your gun work when you can have marker light? Tau: 1 Primitive Gue’la: 0.
More important, Tau is still cozy and happy in Lovely Damocles Gulf, where despite comparatively small size of glorious empire of Greater Good, is still exist despite all efforts of strategically inferior giant Gue’la war machine spanning entire galaxy. How is capitalism working out for you lately, idiot pig dog? Tau: 2 Primitive Gue’la: 0.
Capitalist mapmaker of Imperiums of Men also spill much black ink on galactic map, creating new Citrus Malfoydictum. Primitive superstitious dumb humans believe that demons from so-called “warp” and wizards from Hairiest Potter come from Citrus Malfoydictum to destroy them. They are just boogeymen and do not exist! Hilarious! Tau: 2 Primitive Gue’la: 0 House Slytherin: 10.
Meet Newest dumb idea from Gue’la, Emperor’s Custodians.
Latest bad idea from Gue’la that mighty superior Tau are not worried about because it is dumb is Emperor’s Custodian man. Earth caste trader having contact with humans tell me that Emperor Custodian is supposed to be great plumber of Golden Throne and has spear or possibly toilet plunger made of guns and big hat. Once again, decadent capitalist empire of humanity stupidly believe that just because they make something out of gold and big hats and skulls, it automatically better. Even moron Ork knows better than this, and Ork is greatest lover of shiny big hat in all of galaxy!
Even funnier, in typical human fashion, newest dumb idea of Imperial of Manatees is not actually new idea, is actually OLD idea, because Super Mario Plumber Man of Golden Throne has exist for more than ten thousand years, but has just now come out of retirement to fight silly ghostbuster monsters from Citrus Malfoydictum. Further proof that defunct capitalist system of man is incapable of innovating and having idea.
Why Mario Plumber Golden Throne Man will fail and be bad
Adept Custodian is just newest and biggest failure in long line of failure that is faulty strategic thinking of primitive humans. First, mankind create marines. Marines is okay, but normal cheap Gue’vesa Guardsman with mortars and cheap Wyvern win many more game than marine, because of superior economy of points and also brave conscript throwing away worthless human life for silly religion of superstition.
Then, Empire of Manatee double down on stupid, and make Grey Knight marine. This is like normal marine, except he think he is wizard, wears goofy armor made of glitter that has his name filigreed on it so he can remember it, and he goes to fight spooky ghost that doesn’t exist. In Grey Knight first codex, army is very good because Spooky psybolt ammo and bald Mr. Clean man Inquisitor Kotex. But guess what happen in later edition of codex when Inquisitor Kotex leave and take all fun toys with him, and leave Grey Knight to do their own work? Army is full of super expensive model that dies to attrition and cannot win tournament! Ha!
Because double down not stupid enough for Imperium, they next try triple down, because is nature of dumb Gue’la to bang head against wall. This time, they make expensive marine in black, give him fancy shotgun and flak cannon from Unreal Tournament video game, and send him out to fight alien. He is also expensive and dumb, and no one take him to tournament. Ha!
Now maybe Gue’la start thinking that Gue’la marine has critical flaw, yes? No, because that is making sense, and critical thinking is not strong point of capitalist moron Gue’la! So what does Gue’la do? He think like Ork, and decide maybe marine is not big enough! So he make bigger marine with 2 wound that not fit inside Rhino, and now 2 wound goofy marine can only ride inside $80 tank, and only version of 2 wound marine that is good is one with plasma gun! Oh silly Gue’la, when will you learn…
NEVER. BECAUSE CAPITALIST PRIMITIVE GUE’LA IS DUMB. Now we come to Greatest defender of humanity left – Super Mario Custodian Plumber of Golden Throne! He is big like 2 wound marine, has goofy shooty speargun like Grey Knight marine, is probably more expensive than down payment on house, and because all that not bad enough, he paint himself gold and wear silly hat. How many tournament do you think Super Mario Twin Gue’la will win when his army is made of giant man babies wielding butter knife and wearing silly hat that give Eldar Aspect warrior hat envy? You want know answer? I will tell you – NOT AS MANY AS CHAOS!
IS FUNNY JOKE, BECAUSE EVERYONE BUT SUPERSTITIOUS GUE’LA KNOW THAT CHAOS IS FIGMENT OF IMAGINATION.
Thank you for reading great and honest news of always true Greater Good Tau Empire. I am looking forward to new Tau codex and you are too, so that once again we will make Gue’la cry from table with not enough LOS blocking terrain and steal his girlfriend with mighty virile Tau masculinity.
Check out all the JStove originals!
About the Author: Jack Stover
