The confident and honest Tau Propaganda Officer has toured the Long War Doubles to report completely factual information that was not doctored by Tau propaganda!
Hello misinformed, warmongering, capitalist Gue’la, it is I, your always honest and best friend, Comrade Tau, here to be telling you of happenings of great doubles team tournament on Planet Terra at So-Cal Comics and Gulags! All of your favorite members of Spiking Bits were in attendance. There was Juicebox Man, Kenny Next Level Paint Man, and of course, your friend Comrade Tau! But do you know who was missing? Idiot Gue’la Cat Man Rob Baer, who was snowed in by warp storm and couldn’t make it! Ha! Silly Gue’la, why are you not like superior Tau Empire? If you never use warp travel, you never stuck in warp storm!
Now we are looking at great models from double tournaments that glorious Tau army obviously won at all top tables. I don’t even need to have official result to know is truth. Just trust your always honest Tau Propaganda!
Here is giant space marine primary tank brought by some dumb Gue’la. AS you can see, his entire army is also in the picture… because giant space marine tank is 700 points! Tau beat this model very easy. Simply walk away from giant, slow, floaty tank and go somewhere else! Ha! Such shame too, is very nice looking tank. For Gue’la.
Many comrades of Spiking Bits Facebook page have seen this green, angry, book robot man with sparky hammer before, and you are pleasing to know he was here in flesh… or metal? Brave Gue’la warrior brought entire formation of Iron Hands robot Gue’la warriors who are all ready to die at business end of rail gun. For the second time! Ha!
Is this table Ork slum or Imperial slum? Is joke. Comrade Tau cannot tell because decadent capitalists of Imperium of Manatees all live in filth. Has good terrain density, though! Not good enough for missiles that not require line of sight though! Ha!
Excellent, brave, always victorious Tau army with racy muscle car two-tone paint job for attracting attention of females and intimidating rival males was in attendance, with beautifully converted robots using parts from Gundam kit. Great work Shas’o! Your endearing sacrifices for the Greater Good will be remembered forever at tournament.
Here is confused snake man bullet airplane of questionable loyalty. Will he shoot spikey chaos man or big hat Imperium man? No one knows for sure! Is pretty paint job though.
Night fighting camo Gue’la burst cannon vulcan airplane of fire many bullets from Forging World. Is also pretty model, almost as good as Tau Barracuda!
Many Rowboat Girlyman Smurf army was in attendance, but without goofy giant smurf man to lead them. So, thank the Ethereals for that. Here is centerpiece of army, very pretty smurf gravtank. Is not bad looking tank… For dumb Gue’la that barely know how gravtanks work! Tank is move like drunk vodka bottle skidding on marbles! When will Bellyscary Crawl man learn how to build antigrav that is not need giant metal skateboards for bumper? Answer- never! Silly Gue’la!
Here we are seeing great strategic genius of Death Guard, Lord Bubbles. Also pictured is dirty man with bolter gun who need shower.
Silly blue snake Gue’la transport is confused and loyalty and not know where battle is go.
Confused Snake men with primitive melee weapons wait for turn for deep strike to use wacky animal claws because Gue’la are primitive savages that fight in melee like beasts.
Comrade Tau would like to remind all loyal members of Tau Empire that only Tau tech is actually working correctly because it is built with loyalty and precision for purpose of ultimate Greater Good. Meanwhile, In Gue’la space, war machines are made of actual poop and sadness.
Evil villain from Batman movie was at tournament, as you see he has put on some weight and let himself go. Such distractions and lack of discipline are inevitable in those that stray from path of Greater Good!
Here is primitive Gue’la village. It not even have Tau’co Bell.
Brave Commander Shas’o John’la U’tah killed many enemies of Greater Good and brought peace and prosperity at point of melta gun to many savages, all the way from far off planet Hawaii! Naturally, this model never died during any round of the tournament and was photographed waiting to deep strike, not in a casualty pile off table.
Jim Henson Sesame Street muppet Big Birdman was also at tournament. Why I do not know, because he is children cartoon, not 40k model. Go back to PBS and teach children alphabet letters, silly Gue’la.
Idiot Gue’la inferior robots with no drone controllers or markerlights were at tournament, doing worse job of drone, as usual due to primitive Gue’la technology. Has nice hot rod paint job, though!
Many loud pink men with boombox gun was at tournament. Tau does not judge, all Gue’la are equally inferior to Tau.
Well, there you can have it, as you see, Tau was greatest army of tournament and at least half of participants were Tau players and all of Comrade Tau’s information is factually correct and not at all manipulated by Tau Propaganda office. Once again, despite not having codex, superior generalship of Tau army wins the day over cheesy Gue’la pokemon stratagem cards and spooky psychic powers. Silly Gue’la, tricks are for kids! Tau not need wacky command point voodoo or superstitious witchcraft to destroy you. Will use good old-fashioned pulse rifle!
Next time, you come to Long War tournament with Juicebox Man and Kenny Next Level Paint Man, and maybe also Cat Man Rob if he is not too dumb to use inferior superstitious Gue’la warp travel! Also, you will, of course, see your friend, Comrade Tau. You will know me when you see brave and handsome fire warrior easily winning every game and stealing of your girlfriend for Greater Good.
Specially thanking of TEAM MAUI BOYS for having brave and gorgeous Tau army for put to shame all disgusting ugly inferior Gue’la armies.
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About the Author: Jack Stover
