Attention Astartes Fan Boys, an elite Adeptus Custodes has to say about retirement in the grim dark future of Warhammer 40k
Dear space marine fanboy on the internet,
You just had to have your cake and eat it too, didn’t you?
I’m getting really sick of your crap, you know that? First, you had Space Marines, and they were supposed to be the greatest soldiers in the galaxy. Then, you had traitor marines, and they were supposed to be the greatest soldiers in the galaxy, but with like, Judas Priest and Satan or something. Then you had Ultramarines, and they were supposed to be the greatest of the greatest soldiers in the galaxy, and whoa man, what the hell was Ward smoking when he wrote that?
But even then, it wasn’t enough. You wanted more. So you got Grey Knights, which are… What the hell are they? Space wizard monk marines that fight demons that are better than normal marines? Who writes this garbage? Okay, they’re marines plus one.
Are you happy? No, you’re not- Because apparently the Grey Knights weren’t enough because that Ward guy is back and he brought Guilliman with him, and now the Ultramarines are better than the Grey Knights because some twenty foot tall ridiculous giant smurf showed up and stole the flaming sword his dad was hiding under the bed.
You’re morons. All of you.
Oh by the way, my name’s Bill. Bill Smith. You don’t know me, but I’m an Adeptus Custodes. I’ve been standing here in front of the Golden Throne for at least four centuries now, and let me tell you something- My job is freaking sweet. I get medical, paid vacation, sick leave, and my company car is actually a solid gold hover tank that runs on the blood of orphans.
And you know what else? I’m three months from retirement.
Yea, I had it really sweet until you marine jerk offs had to go and screw everything up, always wanting to one-up each other. Then you ran out of stupid gimmick toppings to flavor your vanilla marine ice cream with, and you looked over my way and said, “Hey, those guys are BETTER than marines, let’s get those!”
I’ve got a wife and three kids in college. I finally got all the little brats out of my house and was looking forward to taking a ride down the coast in my corvette everyday and being able to go out to nice restaurants alone with my wife again, but no, you morons had to do it, you had to give me a model and a codex, and now I’m going to get deployed, and I’m going to roll a freaking one and get shot by a boltgun and die, right in time for my daughter to graduate from law school.
“But Bill Smith, what are you worried about? The Custodes will be the best army in the game!” You say.
Well we won’t. You know why? Because it’s not 5th edition. Because vehicles have hull points. Because no matter how awesome you are, if your opponent makes you roll armor saves, you’re gonna hit that one someday, and brother, hitting that one sucks when you cost as much as a freaking terminator, and you know I’m gonna cost as much as a terminator.
Do you know why I joined the Custodes? Because they sat around all day and didn’t take armor saves. Because it was a cushy as hell do nothing job. Yea, I admit it, nobody in the Custodians has done a damn thing for ten thousand years. We just stand around counting days until retirement while the rest of you idiots run around getting eaten by Tyranids, whatever the hell a Tyranid is.
But now, they got this big stupid new army box and they’re gonna shove me, Tom, Steve, Jerry, and Hank into a land raider, and they’re gonna say, “Go out there and get em Bill, you’re the most super elite army in the game! Go kill those Xenos!”
And I’m going to turn to Tom and I’m going to say, “Tom, I know we’re Weapon Skill 5, but isn’t duct-taping a bolt gun to a halberd the most ridiculous thing ever?”
And Tom is just going to sigh and say, “Bill, we’re going to get out of this land raider and just be knee deep in dirty cultists until turn six if we don’t kill that dark apostle hiding in the back of the army, and that’s the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is we just kill whatever is in front of us when those doors open, and then get gassed by every plasma gun from Terra to the Eastern Fringe when the opponent fires back in his shooting phase.”
Let me tell you stupid kids that love these SUPER ELITE BETTER THAN MARINES so much something… We’re not game breaking. We’re expensive and there’s not a lot of us.
Those dumb wizard Grey Knight guys don’t win that much, and they’re an expensive elite army too… Now imagine that turned up to 11, and that’s my job. So you can imagine how excited I am to be surrounded by 60 damn Orks and have my brains beaten out with a rock after I spend all day killing 59 of them.
It doesn’t help that for some reason, this galaxy really went to crap in the last couple hundred years, and now every moron from Fenris to the Eye of Terror is either a freaking furry marine riding into battle on Rin Tin Tin K9 Cop, or a damn red-assed cyclops giant demon wizard. So yea, being the best infantry model in the game is really going to count for a lot when your regular opponent is one of these Strength Bajillion AP2 Sesame Street Big Bird jackoffs.
So thanks for that, marine jerks.
Thanks for screwing up my retirement.
Go buy a Prospero box, some new Jetbikes, and choke on it.
Sincerely,
Bill Smith, Adeptus Custodian.
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About the Author: Jack Stover
