Comrade Tau just got up to speed on Codex Tau and he has all sorts of things to say about their new superiority compared to the capitalist imperial gue’la.
Hello idiot capitalist gue’la of imperials of manatees, it is I once again, your friend, water caste propaganda Tau to be telling you of great news from enlightened and superior Greater Good which you are dying to be apart of!
As you may of not know because news travel slow in idiot time warp crazy spaceship technology of humanity, Tau is getting codex on March 17. Maybe you read this article before then? Maybe you don’t? Maybe you do not read it until next month because your spaceship is steered through wacky nightmare by crazy mutant voodoo man with magic third eye.
Just kidding. Everyone know warp travel is sad joke and gue’la are just superstitious primates. But that not important. Today I am telling you of great bargains that even dumb gue’la who can barely count can appreciate!
To helping me tell you of excellent news of Greater Good, I am introducing you my friend, Earth Caste Mecha Surplus Salesman Tau and his Barely Used Bargain Military Savings! Take it away my friend!
Earth Caste Mecha Surplus Salesman Tau!
Hello gue’la, I like you. You like me. Yes? Say, I having questions of you. Let’s say that you are stupid human with S3 lasgun. Perhaps maybe you not wish to die for false ideals and hopeless cause, so maybe you want upgrade your life to mean something, or at least your gun, yes? Of course! Everyone is wanting S5 pulse rifle for best rapid fire!
We have many in stock, never used! Come in crates of ten and preserved with cosmoline!
But that’s not all, thanks to new superior tau codex, we are having massive fire sale. We are setting your army on fire, literally, with newer, bigger weapon, because Tau is use science to make nicer gun!
Let take look at fancy new weapon on market! You buy soon!
First we have brand new Heavy Burst Cannon. Is 12 shots and D2 now, is no longer crap from Index Xenos. Very Nice. Next we have Ion Accelerator. Is also much improve! You buy today. It go from 1D/D3 overcharge, to D3/3 overcharge. Great success.
We are also am having fancy new high intensity plasma rifle, with 30” rapid fire, S6, AP4, and D2! Why we are improve plasma? Because we can, but mostly because human who buy primaris marine is idiot! Ha! Go ahead and pay extra point for second wound, stupid gue’la, you not be needing it anyway!
But wait, not only are we making the better guns to respond to idiot marine fan boys who always buy anything as long as it is bigger, dumber, space marine that is easy to kill, we are also slashing prices on giant robots, so that you now are having more fun killing the easy to kill space marines that your opponent is having less of. Because as we say in Earth Caste weapons development laboratory, “Just because those idiot gue’la play with less and more expensive model, does not mean we shoot them less! Ha!”
For new codex special only, we are having many surplus discount on Ripping Tides Gundam! Yes, giant robot that was much spam with pie plate in previous edition that was mothballed in 8E is now going on the used car lot at reduced price. Very low mileage, only smashed by demon prince once. We are dropping price on Ripper Tide by 24 point, and take 20 more off Heavy Burst Cannon, and a massive 42 off of Ion Accelerator. Great Success!
Back to you Water Caste Comrade
Wow. This is all of great news for Greater Good. Perhaps it is even…. Greatest good news? Ha! I am the joking. Now let me tell you gue’la idiot what is not joke.
Armed with fancy new codex of major overhaul, Handsome virile Tau player is coming to table near you to beat your army, take your lunch money, and steal your girlfriend!
Perhaps maybe you join Tau Empire and, maybe female notice you? Just kidding, she will not. She is already dating Handsome Tau Fire Warrior. Ha!
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About the Author: Jack Stover
