An Imperial Citizen Reacts To Being Sacrificed to The Emperor

By Wesley Floyd | May 28th, 2020 | Categories: satire, Warhammer 40k

We’ve been thinking about what daily life looks like in 40k, and how an Imperial would react to finding out he’s getting sacrificed to the Emperor.

So the Emperor is sitting on this magical chair that just so happens to use Psyker souls as fuel. He’s at a juicy 10,000 soul-per-day diet currently. But you never get to hear about what it’s like from the other side…the sacrifice-ees. Let’s listen in on the conversation with a Priest and an Imperial citizen that finds out he’s about to kick the bucket for the Imperium.

An Imperial Citizen Reacts To Being Sacrificed to The Emperor

*Citizen Coriander is sitting at his house when mysterious figures kick in his door, blindfold him and knock him out. He wakes up standing in a line inside the Imperial Palace with a ticket in his hand*.

Coriander: Wh….where am I? My head is killing me. What’s this ticket in my hand?….hm #287….okay.

Intercom voice: NOW SERVING #261. THANK YOU.

Coriander: Am I at the DMV? Hold up I think I see a Priest headed this way.

Coriander: Hey ‘scuse me what is this place? I filed my taxes and have my family registered. Why am I even here?

Imperial Priest Docius: Oh you blessed child *kisses forehead* such a naive soul to be given up to our God-Emperor. You are doing us all a great service.

Coriander: OH EMPEROR LOVING +REDACTED+ WHY THE +REDACTED+ +REDACTED+ HERE? +REDACTED+ ME.

Coriander: This was all because I did the detachable thumb trick at my cousin’s 8th birthday party wasn’t it? I’M NOT MAGIC.

Intercom voice: NOW SERVING #270. THANK YOU.

Coriander: *looks behind him* hey buddy what’s your name? I noticed you’ve got a fold in your ticket. Mine’s still nice and crisp. Tell you what. I’ll trade you mine for yours. You don’t want a nasty ol’ ticket now do you?

Jeremiah: Are you trying to swap places? Listen just because my eyes go in two different directions doesn’t mean I’m dumb enough to believe that trick.

Coriander: Yeah…how’d that happen anyway?

Jeremiah: I was trying to scratch off a lottery ticket with my mind and perils’d. That’s how they found me and threw me here.

Coriander: Why didn’t you just scratch it with your hand like a normal person…

Jeremiah: Well the ticket wasn’t mine. I was on a train and the guy who had it was asleep so I thought I’d try my luck.

Intercom voice: NOW SERVING #278. THANK YOU.

Leganna: *Heavy Breathing* I’ll take that ticket from you.

Coriander: Who are you?

Leganna: *Creepy smile* My ticket says #340. That should buy you a little time right?

Coriander: uh. ye…YES, it sure will let’s swap.

Coriander: Hey by the way…don’t take this the wrong way or anything but I think one of your arms is falling out of your robe.

Leganna: ARM? That’s…NO ARM….Uh…It’s my leg.

Coriander: I can literally see you standing on two legs right now. That’s an arm. And why does it have a big ol’ blade thing on the end of it?

Coriander: Wait a minute…If I can just create a diversion.

Coriander: GENESTEALER! THE CULT IS IN THE PALACE!

*Pushes Leganna over*

Coriander: IM OUT. Jeremiah, I’d leave with me bro we have a way to get out!

Leganna: You idiot! I was part of a limb transplant experiment. I’m not a Genestealer and I’m not a part of the Cult. They found out I was a Psyker while I was getting this surgery done and I couldn’t get it finished.

Coriander: You’ve gotta be kidding me. You know what. I’m going to the front of the line.

What would you do to keep yourself from getting your soul eaten by the Emperor?