Malcador gathers all of the Marines with bad guy names just on a hunch that they would one day rebel. Here’s how things played out…
The Emperor’s best friend, Malcador, was the second most powerful Psyker in the Galaxy. On that note, he also was big E’s advisor. Listening to his gut, he pulled together all of the Marines that just so happened to have bad guy names to talk things through.
Bad Primarchs: Malcador Saw the Obvious When Nobody Else Did
Malcavacado the Diet Sprite: Gentlemen, as most of you are doubtlessly aware, the origins of the 40k universe are quite dubious. It all started in the late 80s as a hack job of all the science fiction tropes glued together, mostly Heinlein and Herbert, and has been undergoing a space opera identity crisis ever since. Because the entire universe has almost zero original ideas, is eminently predictable, and as I’m the second-best psyker in the galaxy, I have gathered you all here for one reason. You all have bad guy names, I’m pretty sure you’re going to be traitors in ten thousand years.
Abaddon: That’s ridiculous. I’m the favorite captain of the favorite Primarch. I can’t be a traitor!
Malcalicious: You’re the clone son of Horus. Who is named after Horus, the Egyptian god of kingship, and you yourself are named after a Hebrew angel of destruction that leads an army of locusts. You are literally the character most likely to become the big franchise villain that murders everyone. You’re like a bad Sith Lord after George Lucas ran out of ideas for names.
Abaddon: I don’t see it.
Ahriman: Do me next!
Maltodextrin: Dark God. Somehow you’re going to screw over your whole legion in some kind of monkey paw bargain.
Ahriman: But will I get cool horns on my helmet?
You Face Not Malchezaar Alone, But The Legions I Command: Likely. Horns are a representation of sagacity.
Kharn: That’s ridiculous. I’m my Primarch’s equerry, and I’m one of the only officers in the whole Legion that can talk him down from the cliff!
Malcador In The Middle: None of the American readers know what an equerry is, and half the British ones probably don’t either.
Kharn: It’s like a butler, but for military officers, it’s very British.
Maltomeal Bagged Cereal: That just means you’re a sidekick. If he turns traitor you’re going with him. And you’re probably dumping tea in a harbor, or at least, promethium on Skalathrax.
Eidolon: What about me?
Malcolm Reynolds: An idealized person or thing, a spectre or phantom, you’re basically foreshadowing the hubris of your Legion and may or may not be undead by the time this is over.
Malcadingdingdong: And finally, we come to Typhon. Don’t have to be psychic to get that one. Your name sounds like a disease.
Typhon: I’M ALREADY UNDER ENOUGH PRESSURE BEING A SUPPRESSED PSYKER, OKAY?
Loken: That’s just mean, Malcador. You hurt his feelings.
Malvolio the Shakespearelite: And you, Gavriel Loken. You’re a worse traitor than all the Dark Angels put together.
Loken: How? My name doesn’t mean syphilis or death god or murderer or any of that crap.
Malcador the Natty Light: You’re worse than all of that Loken, you’re just a SNITCH. Nobody likes a snitch.
Ahriman: Magnus did nothing wrong.
Don’t you think the Imperium would’ve seen the “bad apples” before they turned traitor? If you could see one Traitor turn Loyalist, who would it be?
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About the Author: Jack Stover
