Do you remember these 40k models? Come listen in on a meeting of 40k’s Shelfaholics Anonymous and see where these models have gone.
Welcome to another Jstove original, submitted via subspace transmission.
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: I now call to order this meaning of Shelfaholics Anonymous, the support group for models who have been shelved.
ASDRUBAEL VECT: I DON’T BELONG HERE, I’M A MAJOR FRANCHISE VILLAIN.
DOOMRIDER: K-K-K-K-KK-K-K-K-KK-K YEA, GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY, HEY ASDRUB-B-B-BABY, I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT YELLS IN THIS GROUP, THAT’S MY THING YEEAAAAAAAA
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: Doomrider, please settle down.
DOOMRIDER: HOLD ON… WAIT FOR IT. N-N-N-N-NN–NOOOOOO!
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: You don’t have to say it. We know what comes next. You’re going to tell us you do-
DOOMRIDER: I DO COCAAAAAINE!
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: Ok, Doomie, this is why your god got phased out of the new kid-friendly warhammer fantasy.
DOOMRIDER: IM OUTTA HERE BIIIIIIITCHESSSSSSSsssssss—-
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: Sigh. He comes, he goes.
AEKOLD HELBRASS: Yea, well at least people like him. He might be shelved, but at least he’s remembered. Almost the entire fantasy catalog is dead now.
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: Now hey Aekold, I’m sure plenty of people remember you.
AEKOLD HELBRASS: Who the fuck were you again, Pedro Kantor?
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: No, I’m the Crimson Fists character that existed before Pedro.
AEKOLD HELBRASS: Oh, right. The one in the 3rd ed Marine codex, with the terrible looking model.
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: Suck it, heretic filth. At least I got to be a space marine, GW’s favorite. You were just a fire-and-forget special character like every other asshole in every Chaos book who isn’t Archaon. How’s Arbaal the Undefeated doing these days, you guys still playing dominos on the porch of the Realm of Chaos retirement home?
VESPID STINGWING: gentlemen, please. We’re all here because nobody loves us. There’s no need to quarrel.
ASDRUBAEL VECT: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, INSECT. YOU WERE NEVER LOVED. I WAS THE FACTION LEADER FOR MY CODEX!
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: Ah, Azz… You made him cry.
VESPID STINGWING: Why doesn’t anyone love me! I have an AP3 gun!
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: It’s okay.. It’s okay… It’s not your fault buggy. It’s just that, well, you’re a terrible model with terrible rules.
ASDRUBAEL VECT: Ha.
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: You got something to say, Jabba’s Sail Barge?
ASDRUBAEL VECT: Aren’t you the guy whose special rule was “having a 3+ invulnerable save?”
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: This from the guy whose special rule was that he had an AV14 boat that he couldn’t even get out of.
ASDRUBAEL VECT: You were basically a Matt Ward special character in 1999, before they started handing out 5th ed Grey Knight codexes and Shield Eternals. How’s old age treating you, second-rate chapter master?
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: About as good as you, mr King-bad-guy-not-even-in-his-
ASDRUBAEL VECT: IT’S TRUE! I’M A SHAM! I FEEL SO UNLOVED!
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: And now the healing can begin. Everyone, reach over to the permanently shelved model next to you, and give them a hug.
-knocking at the door-
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: Come on in friends… Oh wow, there’s a lot of you.
CHAOS SPACE MARINE #56: Yea. Can we crash here? We got muscled out of our codex by cultists.
VESPID STINGWING: Ooh, that’s rough.
KHARN THE BETRAYER: SHUT THE HELL UP, BUG BOY.
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: Wait, Kharn, what are you doing here? Don’t people still like you?
KHARN THE BETRAYER: I’VE BEEN BETRAYED BY GW! I WASN’T EVEN IN THE KHORNE DEMONKIN BOOK! THEY PICKED F*CKING SKULLTAKER OVER ME! THAT GUY WHO HAS BEEN HERE FOR LIKE 2 EDITIONS OR SOME SH*T. KILL! MAIM! BURN!
CAPTAIN CORTEZ: It’s been tough for all of us, Kharn.
KHARN THE BETRAYER: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AGAIN?
Hope you enjoyed another Jstove original. Checkout what else he has to say about the game we all love to hate sometimes, HERE!
About the Author: Rob Baer
