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Daemons Need Jobs Too – How Things Work In the Eye?

By Rob Baer | May 20th, 2016 | Categories: jstove, satire, Warhammer 40k

chaos knight goatboy

Support you local hellforge, because lets face it Daemons need jobs too. Checkout this inside look at how things really work in the Eye of Terror!

Top Picture Chaos Knight by Goatboy

“I’d like to congratulate the new class of 999 on their recent promotion to warpsmith. You’ve all built a lot of horrifying death machines and committed a lot of blasphemies against the machine god to be here, and the rest of the Iron Warriors and I are very proud of you. We hope you bring lots of new ideas for gigantic demonic murder robots to the Imperium soon, we’re all looking forward to it.” Said senior warpsmith Medgreded, the dean of the Hal 9000 Memorial demonic engineering school of Hell Planet 692 in the upside down purple sector of the Eye of Terror.

“Soon, you’ll all be getting your assignments and your appointments for mechatendril installation.” He added.

After the ceremony was concluded, a fresh young warpsmith with barely a notch on his power axe came forward. “Sir, I read the assignments before the ceremony, and I just want to say that I’m really looking forward to working with you on Murder Factory 103 in the Metal Torture district of continent fortress 4.”

chaos knight titan

“Hey, you’re Warpsmith Ingerdad right?” The Senior Warpsmith asked, “I read your dissertation on chaos knight weapon options. That dataslate we snuck into the Renegade box was a real hoot. You’ve got class, kid. I’m really looking forward to seeing what you come up with in the giant demon robot department.”

“Yes sir, that’s me… And, well, if I could be frank…” The blushing young warpsmith with barely steel cheeks started to say.

“Well, spit it out, kid. You’re a bonafide warpsmith now. You’re allowed to have your own opinion.” Senior warpsmith Medgreded said.

“Well sir, it’s just that… Well, demonic robot monsters are stupid and impractical.” He said.

heldrake-horz chaos

Senior Warpsmith Medregded chuckled. “Yea, so what?” Several of his mechatendrils shrugged.

The fresh young warpsmith, barely 300 years old and only showing his first signs of obliterator virus infection, was taken aback by his former teacher’s noncommittal answer. This was Senior Warpsmith Medregded! The Warpsmith that invented the ork chipper, the skullifier cannon, and the Slaaneshi 4 speed chain-vibrator, ribbed for her pleasure. He was responsible for inventing some of the most diabolical demon machines in the Eye of Terror… How could he nonchalantly admit that demon machines were stupid?

Medregded caught the young warpsmith slack jawed and staring. “What, you think we didn’t know? It’s been 10,000 years.”

“Well sir, it just seems like… Well, has anyone thought of just taking loyalist tech and putting spikes on it? I mean, we have 10,000 year old rhinos from the Heresy, and a rhino rolling off the assembly line on Mars today isn’t any different. Every millennia, the loyalists get a fancy new kit and they just weld a new gun unto a rhino and call it a day, while we make impractical, stupid looking, overpriced walking crab bots with hit-or-miss rules that don’t really add any flavor to the codex.”

eye of terror codex

“Well, we could do that, because it makes sense, but listen son- We live in a giant hell portal where time and the laws of physics don’t mean anything. I mean, they don’t even have naptime at orange o’clock in realspace. Now you’re only 300 now, but let me tell you son, after 10,000 years, you really start to appreciate naptime at orange o’clock.” The Senior Warpsmith said.

“But why would we just invent big stupid crab robots instead of just taking all the 10,000 year old tech in the garage out of mothballs and figuring out how it works again? Why do we make dumb stuff like heldrakes when we could just steal a stormtalon and reverse engineer it? Why not just make a new version of a predator that doesn’t need to be fed a diet of blood and empty beer cans to vomit ectoplasma? It’s logistically prohibitive to use demon engines.” The young warpsmith said.

“Look, kid, we all get that, but nobody in the Eye of Terror cares about that stuff, we want our armies to look like a GWAR concert. Besides, demons need jobs too.”

daemons-walpaper

“Demons need jobs?” The new warpsmith asked.

“What, did you think all the labor in the murder factories was being done by unskilled immigrants? Where were they going to migrate from, the Eldar craftworlds? Look, the Eye of Terror actually has a very sophisticated economy based on torture, skulls, and Judas Priest albums. It’s a delicate system, do you have any idea what union negotiations with a greater demon of Tzeentch are like?” Senior Warpsmith Medrgeded asked.

“I uh, I had no idea.” The new warpsmith said.

“Well, that’s really what it’s all about. I mean we could… you know, just put reaper autocannons and ectoplasma cannons on a predator and call it a day and that would be great, but do you have any idea how many used predators are sitting on the lot right now? There’s no demand. The fleet is bloated. Abaddon, Typhus, even that new guy Kranon… They all want to see a tormented fleshmetal demon beast that craps battlecannon shells and has laser eyes, and dammit, those plaguebearers need jobs to feed their nurgling kids so they can grow up big and strong to become… Well, slightly larger bags of demon crap. But it’s all like this for a reason.”

“I had no idea hell was so bureaucratic.” The new warpsmith said.

“Well look son, it’s the Eye of Terror, time doesn’t really mean anything. If working on tanks means that much to you, just take the 5th door on the left there to next tuesday where the Heresy just ended last week, buy yourself a Betrayal at Calth box, and go play with all the cool stuff when it still worked and there wasn’t a booming hell economy to support.”

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About the Author: Rob Baer

Virginia Restless, Miniature Painter & Cat Dad. I blame LEGOs. There was something about those little-colored blocks that started it all... Twitter @catdaddymbg
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