The Real Issue: Why Do Space Marines Have Square Butts?

space-marine-butt-bathroom-white-dwarf

We present to the world the REAL issues this Novemeber starting with: Why do Space Marines have square butt plates?

So someone recently asked me “Why do Space Marines have square butts?” I, of course, had no answer. There is nothing in the fluff to indicate why. It is just the way they are.

square-butss

But really, why do they? Ergonomically it doesn’t make that much sense. It makes sitting on anything except the flattest of surfaces next to impossible. Why has it never been curved? There have been eight core iterations of power armour (which happens to be the only technology that seems to improve in 40k) and yet this has been a standard “feature” in all of them. Not once has anyone thought to do anything else. When sitting down in the year 45,000, I hope someone finally has the audacity after 15,000 years to propose this:

powerarmourbutt

See how much better that works? It is form fitting and it won’t tip over a person wearing a literal ton of armour. To play devil’s advocate, I came up with some “ideas” as to why though
1- It helps them stay in their seats on T-hawks and in Rhinos due to increased surface area/seat clamps.
2- When sitting next to each other, they fit together like stacking chairs. #TetrisMarines
3- They can measure right angles/level surfaces (indicator on their HUD, data fed from some internal sensor).
4- “Butt” butt things.
5- Sit on uncomfortable stone thrones (eg Marneus Calgar)

calgar

“Good thing I have right angles supporting my backside. Otherwise, this would be miserable… oh wait, I am an Ultramarine… it still is miserable.”

“Butt” seriously? Why? Even the powers of the warp apparently stick with “Square Butt”

csm-demonprince-c

“I am only a chosen of the Dark Gods, elevated above the mortal plane to the status of a demi-god, whose form has been warped and perverted to be destruction incarnate. But I still need my rear to be squared away…”

If there is one advantage other Sci-fi’s have over Warhammer, it is this.

stormtrooper-butt

What I fear the most though is that it is a result of a terrible genetic mutation that is a consequence of their elevation to being a Space Marine, something not really talked about out of humiliation and shame. In the grim darkness of the far future, there are only right-angled pants…

 

If you are not one to walk the beaten tactical path, then come check out more articles like this on Sepulchre of Heroes, home of the 9th Legion. You can also find plenty of other thoughts and discussions on the hobby and Warhammer 40k, particularly Blood Angels. We feature ample hobby content in painting and kitbashing and cover several GW specialist games such as Battlefleet Gothic and Blood Bowl. Working daily to Bring the Hobby Back, so check us out!

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About Gothmog

Hobbyist and Gamer since 1999. Blood Angels faithful since the beginning. I am also big into various GW Specialist Games and Historical Wargames. Love the hobby, love the fluff, Grognard for life. @Gotmog_Balrog www.sepulchreofheroes.blogspot.com

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