Ever wonder why GW releases products the way they do? Well come along on an interview for their elite marketing department: the Adeptus Marketus.
Welcome to another Jstove original, submitted via subspace transmission.
One day, High Lord of Terra #7 was scouted by a recruiter on LinkedIn.
He took the job interview, thinking “what the heck” and drove his inquisitorial dreadnought throne from the Imperial Palace down the street to the marketing firm on the corner, the one with the Skullbucks Coffee Shop in the bottom floor.
“It’s nice to meet you, sir. You have an excellent resume. Would you like to leave your giant walking throne robot, or at least turn off your loudspeaker?”
“NO. I NEED BOTH BECAUSE HUGE IS ALWAYS BETTER. LOOK AT HOW MUCH BIGGER MY LETTERS ARE WHEN THEY ARE ALL CAPS.”
“Alright.” The interviewer said, politely ignoring him. “I see here that you’re the director of marketing for all the Imperium of Man’s Intellectual Properties, and that you head up the Adeptus Marketus.”
“YES. WE SELL EVERYTHING, MOSTLY WITH SKULLS, AND ALSO HUGE. MOST THINGS SELL BETTER WHEN THEY ARE HUGE AND HAVE SKULLS. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR CENTURIES.”
“Well, I’m sure you know a thing or two about marketing, being in charge of all marketing across the domain of all mankind.”
“WE ALSO SOMETIMES SELL BALLET SHOES TO THE ELDAR. THAT IS A SIDE PROJECT. THE BALLET SHOES ARE MADE OF SKULLS. FOR SOME REASON, THEY ARE NOT VERY POPULAR. I HAVE INSTRUCTED R&D TO MAKE THEM HUGE.
“THIS WILL BE SIMPLE ENOUGH.”
“THE VIKINGS SHOULD BE SPACE MARINES, BECAUSE THOSE ARE HUGE. MAKE THEM SPACE MARINE VIKINGS. ALSO, MAKE THE WOLVES SPACE MARINES AS WELL.”
“You mean remove the wolves, and add more viking space marines?” The interviewer asked.
“NO. I MEAN THE WOLVES SHOULD ALSO BE HUGE AND MAYBE HAVE A LASER EYE OR A ROBOT ARM. THEY SHOULD BE LIKE THE SPACE MARINE VERSION OF WOLVES.”
“Interesting. Another picture.”
He holds up a picture of a vampire.
“THOSE SHOULD BE SPACE MARINES AND THEY SHOULD DRINK BLOOD OUT OF CUPS THAT LOOK LIKE SKULLS.”
He holds up a mongol horse archer.
“THOSE SHOULD ALSO BE SPACE MARINES AND REPLACE THE HORSE WITH A MOTORCYCLE. BUT THE MOTORCYCLE MUST ALSO BE HUGE.”
He holds up a giant ten story robot.
“I LIKE IT, BUT CAN THE ROBOT HAVE A SKULL FACE, AND PERHAPS BE JUST A BIT MORE HUGE?”
“Thank you sir. We’re almost done. Now this last image is one of our biggest products and has been flagging recently… What would you do to increase it’s sales?”
The interviewer holds up an old Empire WHFB army book.
“MAKE THOSE SPACE MARINES TOO. BUT, IN FANTASY.”
About the Author: Rob Baer
Rob Baer
Job Title: Founder, Publisher, & Managing Editor
Founded Spikey Bits In 2009
Socials: Rob Baer on Facebook and @catdaddymbg on X
Bio: Virginia restless, miniature painter & cat dad. He blames LEGOs for all this, as there was something about those little-colored blocks that started it all. Spikey Bits started with Rob trying to stay motivated to hobby on his backlog of projects and share his knowledge with others during the early blogging era.
Scale model hobbyist in the 80s, miniature wargamer, and trading card player ever since. He’s played every edition of Warhammer 40k and Warhammer Fantasy since 5th Edition, but Titans of all sizes will always be his favorite! It’s even rumored that his hobby vault rivals the Solemnance Galleries, containing rulebooks filled with lore from editions long past, ancient packs of black-bordered Magic Cards, and minatures made of both pewter and resin.
