If Other Companies Were Ran Like GW: Pimcron

By Pimcron | March 5th, 2021 | Categories: 40k News & Articles, Age of Sigmar, satire, Tabletop Gaming News & Rumors

What would the world look like if other companies were run like GW? Hmmm… well, that could be interesting…

Hey everybody! This week I’m back with a fun little thought experiment, let’s apply GW logic to how other companies ran and see how that would work.

Spoiler: its bananas.

If Other Companies Were Ran Like GW: Pimcron

Apple + GW

You just spent a ton of money on your new phone. Man, you are excited. It’s got all sorts of features that your old one didn’t and you just can’t wait to get home and try it out! You’ve been looking forward to the launch day for weeks and it’s finally here! You open the package and get a pop-up on the screen.

“There have been some changes to features on this phone, please see the FAQ”

What?! You just bought this thing?! You click the link and realize that they’ve disabled blue tooth. The version they installed on your phone was so powerful it interfered with airliner navigation from the ground. They disabled the camera because it was actually spy-grade and could see through walls. You can’t help but wonder why they didn’t see that the phone wasn’t ready for release.

Did they not look over this product at all before release? Is their release schedule so rushed that a quick intern once over is all they have for quality control? Kinda sucks that you bought something and it is immediately changed as soon as you buy it, huh?

Gold’s Gym + GW

You try to stay active in your free time, you’re not setting any records or anything. In an attempt to stay healthy, you feel like getting some exercise a couple of times a week is a good thing. You arrive at the gym and are stopped at the front door by a staff member.

“Excuse me, before you enter you’ll have to sign up for our monthly deadlift competition.” They hand you a paper, “The fee is at the bottom.”

But you aren’t interested in competitive lifting, you just exercise with moderate weights to stay in shape. You protest.

“Yeah, we hear that a lot. But all the competitive lifters here started whining a lot, so we’ve changed the whole way this gym works so that it’s really geared towards competition. Have you seen a man with 2% body fat cry? It’s not pretty.”

Look, you don’t get this body and two head options by NOT going to the gym.

You tell them that you only want to use the gym casually.

“Sorry, judging by all the sobbing, we decided that only competitive deadlifters came here. We actually threw out all the weights under 25 pounds.” They hand you another paper, “And this is the list of the only exercises you can do, how to do them, reps, intervals, all of that. We figured that since only competitive deadlifters come here, we better overcomplicate everything.”

You kind of wish your gym was the way it used to be before all the competition controlled everything.

Pepsi + GW

You pop open your favorite soda and GOOD GOD THAT’S SWEET! You nearly vomit. What did they put in this thing? You take a look at the label and it reads ‘Now with 300% more sugar!’. Ew. Why would they do this? Come to find out, they got complaints about the previous formula that it wasn’t sweet enough, it just needed a few more drops of corn sugar and it would be great. They figured if a few more drops would be better, tripling the sugar would be BEST! This new formula? Well, it puts a bad taste in your mouth.

You start drinking other stuff for a while until you get news about Pepsi: they’ve fixed all that “too much sugar” nonsense! Excited, you go buy one and pop it open. Your first swig stings your mouth and you spit it out. You notice the label reads ‘Now with no sugar at all!’. You join a write-in campaign to get this nonsense sorted out. They get tons of letters and emails and eventually come to their senses. You want more sugar, loud and clear. A few weeks later, they have a new label on the bottle and it looks delicious.

You take your first swig and it’s like pouring sand in your mouth. You spit it out and check the label.

‘Now with only sugar!’

Don’t Get Me Wrong

GW has really cleaned up their act from previous years where you’d wait a decade with no FAQs. But man, they don’t seem to know game balance at all. Someone needs to send them a dictionary in the mail with the word moderation tagged. This word is clearly not in their vocabulary.

What other product would be vastly different if GW ran it??