Warhammer should have sportscasters because it would obviously become a world-renowned spectator sport in a matter of weeks.
Hey everybody! I’ve been thinking again, despite the doctor’s warnings, and I realized that I would like to see Warhammer become the next broadcast sport. It could find a cozy home on ESPN 8, “the Ocho”. But just streaming Warhammer matches is kinda boring. That’s where Warhammer commentators come in, fake hair, business suits, and all.
“Welcome one and all to the exciting game of Warhammer on the Ocho! Brought to you today by Gorilla Glue, which is not for use on the face or hair. Today we have quite a match-up between Tony “Cheeto Dust” Wilson’s Tyranids and his rival Conner “I’m Sorry” Smith’s Imperial Guard.
It Wouldn’t Always Be Easy
For today’s game, the mission and deployment are on your screen now, and both players have rolled off to see who deploys first. Cheeto Dust won that and has now placed a unit of Genestealers. Now it’s Conner’s turn, but he’s not paying attention, chatting away with a friend off-camera. An official gets his attention and Conner apologizes profusely before setting down a unit of Leman Russes behind rubble.
It’s Tony’s turn again, who seems to be swiping through a PDF on his phone for rules. After what seems like forever, he places a Carnifex behind a wall.
Now we go to Sorry for the next placement, and it seems- oh, it seems he spilled his dice cube and is under the table retrieving them. We will wait for a moment as he apologizes yet again, face flushed from bending over. Aaaaand a unit of Heavy Weapons is placed.
Back to Tony, who- where is Tony? Oh, I’m being told he went to the bathroom.
Well, now is a great time to tell you about Gorilla Glue, the sponsor of today’s game. Their motto is, “Don’t put our product in your damn hair.”
I’m now being told Tony is at the store counter, buying a soda.
Now they’re chatting at the counter.
Alright, now he’s picking up his pre-orders. Let’s go to a commercial.
It’s Hard To Make it Exciting
And we’re back! As it sits, we are at the top of turn 2, with the score Cheeto Dust 15- I’m Sorry 25.
When we left off, Cheeto had a good portion of Conner’s army pinned down in the left corner, and Tony’s Hero is about to ace this Tank Commander who only has 2 Wounds left. This is some exciting stuff people!
Tony rolls, and fails to hit! Oh no! That is awful, wait! He re-rolls missed hits with that character, so re-rolls it and hits twice!
Now to wound, oh no! He fails both wounds! It’s all over folks! But wait! He’s using a Command Point to re-roll one failed wound and HE WOUNDS!
Conner rolls to save it, and HE FAILS! Hold on, I’m being told he is using a re-roll and STILL FAILS IT! Now, Tony deals D3 damage, so it’s likely that he will roll a 3+ and kill his opponent’s Warlord!
The roll is a 1! Oh no! He’s out of re-rolls! And come to find out, the tank is still alive! That one interaction just took up this whole slot between commercials, and the Gorilla Glue Warhammer Battle will be right back after these commercials!
Sometimes Down Right Boring
It’s now Turn 3 folks, and we are at a bit of an impasse, as Tony and Conner try to figure out which rules interaction takes place first. Before the last commercial break, we found our players arguing over the order of operations, followed by Tony looking it up on his PDF. Conner got frustrated and sat alone in his car for a while, as their friend Tyrese began searching for an errata.
Conner is now back, determined to finish this battle as Tyrese shows him that Tony’s rule takes precedence first. This game has been a rollercoaster ride, I gotta tell you, folks!
Conner just whipped out his phone and revealed that in the newest FAQ, they correct the errata and it turns out that Conner’s rule goes first!
Wait, I’m sorry folks, I’ve just been told the store is closing and we need to vacate. Come to find out, they probably shouldn’t have chosen to start a 3,000 point game at 8 pm.
Well, from all of us at the Ocho, and our sponsor Gorilla Glue, thanks for watching! Keep it out of your F-ing hair!
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