Lord Khorne is back talking 40k Kill Team, Necromunda, and every skirmish game in between. Can you handle the truth from the Lord of War?
Lord Khorne Reveals the Truth About GW Skirmish Games
DEAR COWARDS, IT’S ME, THE LORD OF SKULLS. TODAY I’M TALKING ABOUT WHY I HATE SKIRMISH GAMES. WON’T YOU MORTALS JOIN ME?
JUST KIDDING, I DON’T HATE SKIRMISH GAMES. THAT’S JUST SOME ROBBY BAER CLICKBAIT TITLE GAME FOR YOU. HA! GOT YOU AGAIN, MORONS. ROBERT BAER IS THE CHAOS GOD OF CLICKBAIT.
ANYWAY, AS YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE NOT A COWARD, I DON’T CARE FROM WHENCE THE BLOOD FLOWS, SO LONG AS IT FLOWS, BECAUSE THAT’S MY THING.
WHAT’S REALLY PISSING ME OFF TODAY IS THAT IT SEEMS LIKE MOST OF YOU ARE COWARDS, AS USUAL. YOU SEEM TO CARE FROM WHENCE THE BLOOD FLOWS, AND THAT MEANS YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG, YOU SLAANESH WORSHIPPING IDIOTS.
WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS, THE COWARDS UP AT GAMES WORKSHOP AND YOU, THE COWARD CONSUMER, AREN’T TAKING ENOUGH SKULLS AND YOU’RE NOT DYING ENOUGH EITHER. YOU NEED TO STEP IT UP.
FIRST OF ALL, LET’S LOOK AT AN ORIGINAL SKIRMISH GAME.
NECRO-FUN-DA
THIS IS CALLED NECROMUNDA. AS YOU CAN SEE, IT’S TOTALLY AWESOME AND I LOVE IT. IT HAS HAZARD STRIPES IF YOU’RE INTO THAT IRON WARRIORS VIBE. IT’S ABOUT A BUNCH OF INSANE MURDER CRIMINALS KILLING EACH OTHER WITH CHAINSAWS AND UZIS. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. LOTS OF BLOOD FLOWING, NECROMUNDA GETS AN A+ FROM LORD KHORNE. YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART ABOUT IT IS THOUGH?
NOBODY ON NECROMUNDA IS A COWARD. LOOK AT THAT GUY, HE’S BUFF AS HELL AND HE DOESN’T EVEN WEAR A T-SHIRT. DO YOU THINK THAT GUY HAS AN ARMOR SAVE? HELL NO. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE ARMOR IS FOR COWARDS THAT ARE AFRAID TO DIE. STOP BEING A COWARD.
NOW LET ME SHOW YOU ANOTHER PICTURE.
ANOTHER SKIRMISH GAME
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE HERE.
IF YOU GUESSED “SHADOW WAR ARMAGEDDON” YOU’RE WRONG.
SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU A COWARD, YOU’RE AN IDIOT.
WHY?
BECAUSE SHADOW WAR ARMAGEDDON IS JUST A RE-BOXED VERSION OF THE NECROMUNDA 1.0 RULES. IT’S THE EXACT SAME GAME…
…EXCEPT FOR ONE DIFFERENCE, IT’S FOR COWARDS. COWARDS LIKE YOU.
LOOK AT THESE SPACE MARINE SCOUTS. THEY HAVE ARMOR SAVES. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A 4+ ARMOR SAVE IS? IT MEANS YOU ONLY HAVE A 50% CHANCE TO DIE. THAT’S MATH. THAT MEANS THAT 50% OF THE TIME, YOU’RE A COWARD AND YOU CONTINUE LIVING YOUR COWARDLY LIFE BECAUSE YOUR ARMOR SAVES YOU.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANGRY THAT MAKES ME? YOU SHOULD, BECAUSE I’M KHORNE.
YOU MORONS LITERALLY BOUGHT A MORE COWARDLY VERSION OF THE SAME GAME. IT’S LIKE TZEENTCH IS THROWING A PARTY AND YOU’RE ALL DRINKING THE KOOL AID.
BUT WAIT, I COULD FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT.
I KNOW, RIGHT? CURVEBALL- KHORNE FORGIVING SOMEONE. BUT THAT’S BECAUSE SOME OF YOU WEREN’T ALIVE FOR ORIGINAL “SHADOW WAR ARMAGADDEDOODLE” AND BY THAT I MEAN YOUR GRANDADDY’S GAME, NECROMUNDA.
SO YOU GET A PASS. THIS TIME. JUST ONCE.
AND ANOTHER SKIRMISH GAME
WHICH YOU COWARDS IMMEDIATELY LOST, BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
SERIOUSLY. THIS IS EVEN MORE COWARDLY THAN SCOUT ARMOR! DO YOU KNOW THAT WITH POWER ARMOR, A MODEL ONLY HAS A 33% CHANCE TO FAIL AN ARMOR SAVING THROW TO DIE?
IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO GIVE BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD. YOU’VE TURNED THE BLOOD FAUCET OFF. IT’S BARELY DRIPPING. I’M NOT EVEN ANGRY AT YOU, I’M JUST DISAPPOINTED. GOOD JOB COWARD, KHORNE LOOKS AT YOU WITH DISAPPROVAL.
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.
AND SUDDENLY I WAS PROUD OF YOU AGAIN.
THINGS WERE FINALLY GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. SHOTGUNS? CHAINSAWS? FREAKIN’ HARPOON LAUNCHERS? BIG MUSCLE DUDES AND CRAZY PSYCHO CHICKS MURDERING EACH OTHER? 5+ ARMOR SAVES? NOW THERE’S A STEP BACK IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!
FINALLY, YOU COWARDS ARE LEARNING SOMETHING AGAIN.
BUT THEN I SAW THIS…
KILL TEAM 2.0
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?
AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?
POWER ARMOR? IN A SKIRMISH GAME? AGAIN?
HAVEN’T I TAUGHT YOU COWARDS ANYTHING ABOUT COLLECTING SKULLS?
BUT THEN I FIGURED IT OUT…
YOU SEE, I TALKED TO MY THERAPIST, AND HE TOLD ME THAT I CAN’T STRESS OUT ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO THAT I CAN’T CONTROL. IT’S JUST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AND UNHEALTHY.
LET ME TELL YOU MORONS SOMETHING. KHORNE IS NOT ABOUT SELF-DESTRUCTION. KHORNE IS ABOUT THE DESTRUCTION OF EVERYTHING INDISCRIMINATELY, BUT WITH A SLIGHT FOCUS ON YOU, THE COWARDS.
SO REALLY, I SHOULDN’T BLAME YOU FOR BEING A BUNCH OF SLACKER WUSSY COWARDS FOR NOT WANTING TO PLAY SKIRMISH GAMES UNTIL THE LADIES UP AT NOTTINGHAM BUNCH UP THEIR PANTIES AND PUT SPACE MARINES IN THE GAME, BECAUSE IT TAKES A 3+ SAVE FOR YOU PENCIL-NECKED MAN BABIES TO GET OUT OF BED AND MURDER EACH OTHER.
…BUT I STILL BLAME YOU FOR IT. IDIOTS.
SO GO AHEAD, TAKE YOUR CASH AND BUY “NECROMUNDA 2.0 VERSION 2.0.” BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS.
NOW IF YOU WUSSES EXCUSE ME, IT’S GAME NIGHT IN THE EYE OF TERROR AND I’VE GOTTA GO PLAY A REAL GAME WITH SKULLTAKER AND SKARBRAND.
WE’RE PLAYING THIS GAME, AND SKAVEN ARE BANNED. SLINGS ARE FOR COWARDS.
About the Author: Jack Stover
