Checkout why Commander Dante secretly hates all the other chapters of Space Marines in today’s Friday Funny.
Commander Dante was polishing his favorite glass blood drops in the stained glass window of the blood sanctum of the blood chapel in the bloodiest part of the blood cathedral in the “everything named after blood” part of the Blood Angel fortress monastery. It was where he went to relax… Also blood.
The Techmarine found him there, and took a deep breath through his space marine grill face thingy that was standard issue, along with baldness.
“Commander, forgive my interruption of your meditations, but we have an urgent matter that requires an immediate decision from the highest authority.” The techpriest said.
Dante stood up and turned around. “What is it, techmarine?”
“We’ve found another STC template. Never seen before, a new flyer, unlike everything we’ve ever seen. It’s aerodynamic, it has a bubble cockpit, it has underwing weapon mounts and working flaps and-”
“So it’s an Eldar flyer?” Dante asked.
“No sir. It is definitely Terran in origin. A holy machine. It just looks like, well… It just looks like it actually flies sir, it’s not a concrete brick with jet engines attached. It’s almost as if engineers designed it instead of space marines.” The techmarine said.
“Interesting.” Dante said. “Better throw it in the vault and never share it with anyone, ever.”
“Sir?” The techmarine asked. “Doesn’t this technology deserve to be seen? Should it not be disseminated among the forgeworlds and chapter armories of the Adeptus Astartes? It could change the face of war! A new flyer, one that well… Actually flies!”
“What do you think of that new marine flyer that just released with the flyer supplement, techmarine?” Dante asked.
“Well to be honest sir, it’s pretty freakin cool. It looks like an A-10 Warthog had sex with a Brinks truck and the baby they made is a bat-out-of-hell murder machine with wings.” The techmarine said.
“My thoughts exactly.” Dante said. “Now, remember what happened when we DIDN’T share the supercharged engines from the Baal predator?”
“Yes sir. The Mechanicus is still bitching at us about that. Everyone wants fast rhinos.” The techmarine said.
“And we still have them, and the other chapters still don’t.” Dante said. “Now, do you remember the Stormraven, son?”
“Everyone has stormravens now, commander.” The techpriest said.
“Exactly. It used to be everyone thought Blood Angels were so cool because we had this giant flying gunboat with a little servitor gunner on top, and it could tow a furioso or air drop assault marines, man… Those were good times. Sure it looked a little wonky, but if you converted it, it was pretty cool…” Dante remembered.
“Then we gave it to the Grey Knights.” The Techmarine said.
“And then those sons of bitches gave it to everyone.” Dante said.
“How is that bad?” The techmarine added.
“I’ll tell you how it’s bad.” Dante said. He walked over to the computer console in the corner of the room and booted up the logic servitor.
“Servitor, perform an inventory scan on the chapter armories.” Dante said.
“ACKNOWLEDGED. SCANNING. SCAN COMPLETE. SUBMIT QUERY.”
“Servitor, how many suits of centurion armor do we have in the armory?” Dante asked.
“ZERO. SUBMIT QUERY.”
“Servitor, how many stormtalon gunships are in the chapter armory?” Dante asked.
“ZERO. SUBMIT QUERY.”
“Servitor, how many stalker anti-aircraft tanks?” Dante asked.
“ZERO. SUBMIT QUERY.”
“How many giant wolves, flying bricks with ice lasers, goofy little black fighters with churches on the back, wrist mounted storm bolters, dreadknights, and labradoodles do we have?” Dante asked.
“ONE LABRADOODLE IN YOUR QUARTERS. COMMANDER SQUIGGLES REQUIRES A WALK AT 14:00.”
Dante turned back to the techmarine. “Do you see what happens when we share?” He asked. “We never shared the Baal predator, and we never got anything for it. We shared the stormraven, and we got screwed over by the Codex Astartes.”
“Well sir, don’t you think that maybe sharing is it’s own reward, that the massive benefit it could bring to humanity trumps-”
“No.” Dante cut him off.
“Bury the new design in the vault. You are dismissed, techmarine. I need to go walk Commander Squiggles.”
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About the Author: Jack Stover
