Hey guys, Saint Celestine here, and I freakin hate Age of Sigmar.
What have you done for the Emperor lately? Have you died for the Emperor today? I do that every week.
I’ve done a lot for you thankless jerks. Really, I have. I mean I admit it, I used to be kind of a one trick pony. I was pretty much the best HQ in the Sister’s list because there wasn’t exactly a lot of competition, but I’m a perfectionist, so I hit the gym and bulked up, and now I’m a freakin house.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but here’s my resume lately.
- -I’m 200 points.
- -I turned the gas up on my heavy flamer sword so now it’s infinite.
- -I come back to life by passing a leadership check, and I’m Ld 10, so I ain’t going anywhere.
- -I have Chuck Norris tears that hit the ground and turn into jump pack chicks with power swords when I cry.
- -I’m a brick wall with Eternal Warrior, a 2+/4++, and my bandmates that make up my little TLC group can look out sir me because I’m an independent
- character that cries out my own unit.
I used to cry because nobody likes the Sororitas. Now I cry all the time because I’m so freaking awesome and you can shove me into any Imperial army in the game, and I’m better than any stupid HQ you’ve got, unless that showboat Papa Smurf shows up to steal my thunder.
Oh wait, just kidding- I don’t give a damn about Robot Booty Girlyman, that fat idiot has to walk everywhere and I’ve GOT WINGS.
So I think it’s pretty safe to say that you jerks owe me one. I’ve been putting the Imperium on my back since I was pewter, and then Cadia exploded and I graduated to plastic, what have you done for the Emperor lately? Have you died for the Emperor today? I do that every week. I’m so hardcore I die for the Emperor and get back up and do it again. They keep a bowl of Wheaties and a couple slices of bacon next to my tombstone because I don’t stay down, I just get back up, eat a hearty breakfast, and go back to pissing in Abaddon’s Lucky Charms because that’s the kind of boss chick that I am. I’ll crack your damn skull open, die, and by the time I get back up again, hopefully you’ll be coming out of your coma like Roboute Guilliman, and then I’ll crack your damn skull open again. Because I’m the freakin Joe Pesci of 40k. That’s my business. That’s what I do.
My girls and I have been repping the Imperium since the first time the Necrons showed up. And I mean the first time, when they were all pewter. Remember that? It was second edition.
And what about my homegirl that was on the cover of the codex? Canoness Veridiyan? When she got a model I was like, “Yea babe, you’re killing it! All that working out and waist training to fit into that armored corset finally paid off!”
And do you know what they did to her? They made her Finecast. She was freakin resin. What the hell is that crap?
I was beginning to think you guys didn’t appreciate us. I mean I knew Ultramarines players didn’t have girlfriends, but I thought that was because they were… You know… more into dark secrets. Closet stuff. Like the Dark Angels. Lionel Johnson poems. If you didn’t get the joke, Lionel Johnson wrote a poem called The Dark Angel and it’s about being in the closet.
But now I think the real reason the Sororitas can’t catch a break is because you morons wouldn’t know how to talk to a woman if she walked up to you, said hello, dropped dead in your lap, and then got up and said hello again.
And you want to know what was the straw the broke the camel’s back?
It was that dumb chick Angahrahrahrahd whatever the hell her name is. The chick Sigmarine from that new Age of Sigmar game.
AGE OF FREAKING SIGMAR? You mean that game that’s been out for what, like two damn years? That’s like a sneeze in 40k time.
HOW THE HELL DO THE STORMCAST ETERNALS FROM AGE OF SIGMARINES GET A FREAKING PLASTIC GIRL MODEL BEFORE THE SORORITAS? ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? I’VE LITERALLY BEEN DYING AND GETTING BACK UP FOR A DECADE TO GET PLASTIC, AND THIS CHICK JUST SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWHERE WITH HER LITTLE HAMMER AND HER FANCY BOOB PLATE.
You know what?
I quit. Screw you guys, I’m gonna go play Warmachine or Infinity or something.
Oh, but before I go, I just want to let you know that I really hope you enjoy the next edition of 40k.
THE ONE THAT WON’T HAVE PLASTIC SISTERS, BUT WILL HAVE AGE OF SIGMAR RULES. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, JERKS.
Saint Celestine.Episode 100 - E'xtending The Ph'antom Inch