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8th & Primaris? Scumbag Belisarius Explains It All

By Jack Stover | June 28th, 2017 | Categories: jstove, satire, Warhammer 40k

archmagos cawl

Belisaurias Cawl explains why he is the man….machine….errr.. mashup of both and why he does what he does on a daily basis.

The Archmagos himself, Belisarius Cawl, is in the building and ready to tell you why you need to be telling him “Thank You”. Just after he finishes taking a drag off his vape of course.

Scumbag Belisarius

Hi, I’m Belisarius Cawl. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I’m the guy that’s making the whole Adeptus Mechanicus look like a bunch of tools. I’m basically everything you hate about everywhere you go. That’s like my thing, it’s what I do. I invented that.

I’m that huge, jacked, gymrat dude that acts like a jerk and intimidates all the guys and creeps out all the chicks. I have 18 inch biceps covered in really awful tattoos. Barbed wire and tribal bands? Sweet ink, bruh. Don’t get in my circuit as I’ve claimed this whole corner of the gym.

I’m that save-the-planet vegan jerk that’s a friend of a friend with someone you know and you never understand why your buddies keep inviting me back. Every time we go out I have to ask the waiter if something is “gluten-free” or “grass-fed” or if the lumber in the barbecue charcoal is ethically sourced from Peruvian sustainable rainforests. I can’t even get a double double at In-N-Out without nitpicking something.

Cawl Meme Hate

I’m the middle management country club jerk in a polo shirt with a sweater tied around his shoulders that just cut you off in traffic in my sweet fifty thousand dollar convertible. I really don’t give a damn about your right of way because I’m rich, handsome, and late to pick up your sister for cocktails.

And now I’m coming to 40k to ruin everything you love.

Boltguns? I made them better. You thought you couldn’t improve upon perfection. I added some barrel length and put a picatinny rail on it. Don’t thank me. That was easy.

Plasma? Yea it doesn’t explode anymore, unless you decide to turn it up to 11. Also, I’m so cool that all plasma does that now. Even Traitor Marine plasma. That’s just what kind of great guy I am. Again, you’re welcome.

New marines that are bigger and better than your old marines? Forget your army, kid. Go buy new models. You’re welcome.

Hover tanks? I got ’em. You thought Arkhan Land was the only guy who didn’t have his head up his exhaust port when it came to skimmer tech? Guess again, kiddo.

Cawl Meme Invented

I take tech from aliens. I make everything I touch better. Split fire, assaulting out of transports, deep strike without deviation? Everything in 8E that doesn’t suck? Honestly, it was my idea. The rest of the Adeptus Mechanicus are chumps. I don’t need to be the Fabricator General to fabricate my middle finger straight up your… You get the idea.

I’m pretty much the best thing that ever happened to this Imperium and everyone else is dumb except me.

Oh hold on, I’ve got a call coming in. Let me check the caller ID. I invented that too. Oh crap, it’s Robby Guilliman.

Gotta go! Don’t tell him I was here.

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About the Author: Jack Stover

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