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Col Sam Jackson Talks Horde Tactics: SATIRE

By Jack Stover | June 9th, 2017 | Categories: jstove, satire, Warhammer 40k Articles & News

imperial guard-walpaper new astra militarumColonel Sam Jackson is here to tell you all about the horde infantry in 8th Edition, and why you don’t stand a chance against it now!

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM.

I AM COLONEL SAM JACKSON OF THE NECROMUNDA HITMEN AND I AM HERE TO TELL YOU WHY THE IMPERIAL GUARD IS GOING TO PUT IT’S MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF THE ROCK’S BOOTS ON YOUR THROAT IN 8TH EDITION.

SOME OF YOU WRETCHED HERETIC MUTHAWITCHES ARE SOMEHOW MISTAKEN IN BELIEVING THAT THE GUARD WILL NOT DESTROY YOUR DAMN ARMY THIS EDITION, AND I AM HERE TO TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE WRONG.

TODAY I AM GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT MUTHAWITCHIN WHITE SHIELDS.

THEY’RE GREAT. YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE FOR THE EMPEROR, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!

SOME OF YOU HERETICS DON’T THINK THE GUARD ARE GOING TO GET IT DONE IN 8E AND I AM GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND QUOTE THE BIBLE AT YOU, THEN SHOOT YOU, AND EAT YOUR CHEESEBURGER.

Samuel L Jackson Cheeseburger

THIS IS A TASTY BURGER!

IF YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING IN THE MUTHAWITCHIN EYE OF TERROR FOR THE LAST HUNDRED YEARS, YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THAT MORALE IS GOING TO SUCK IN 8E.

HOW’S IT WORK? YOU LOSE MODELS BY EVERY POINT YOU FAIL BY, MUTHAWITCH. THAT’S DEVASTATING.

BUT YOU KNOW WHO DOESN’T LOSE MODELS LIKE THAT?

A DAMN COMMISSAR, YOU MUTHAWITCHIN HERETIC.

COMMISSARS HAVE A SPECIAL RULE THAT SAYS THAT AS LONG AS THAT DUDE WITH THE WALLET THAT SAYS BADASS MUTHAWITCHA ON IT IS STILL STANDING IN THE BACK OF YOUR UNIT, THEY DON’T DO A DAMN THING AND THEY DON’T GO NOWHERE. THEY CAN ONLY EVER LOSE 1 MODEL TO MORALE CHECKS.

DO YOU MUTHAWITCHES UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT STUFF MEANS?

IT MEANS THAT IF I DUMP 50 DAMN MUTHAWITCHIN WHITESHIELDS INTO YOUR ARMY, YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO STAND THERE AND TRY TO KILL THEM ALL. ALL 50 OF THEM. ARE YOU A MUTHAWITCHAN KHORNE BERZERKER? ARE YOU THAT HARD? I DON’T THINK SO.

KILL ALL THEM WHITE SHIELDS, MUTHAWITCH. I DARE YOU!Say What Again

AND IF YOU TRY TO BREAK OUT OF COMBAT WITH THEM, MUTHAWITCH I’M THE DAMN IMPERIAL GUARD, I’LL SHOOT YOU WITH EVERYTHING!

THAT’S A REALLY NICE PRIMARCH YOU GOT THERE. BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE TIED HIM UP FOR THE WHOLE GAME WITH 3 POINT MODELS!

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU MUTHAWITCHES ARE GONNA LEARN THAT THE GUARD CANNOT BE MESSED WITH IN 8E.

ONCE AGAIN, I AM COLONEL SAM JACKSON OF THE NECROMUNDA HITMEN, AND I DO NOT HAVE AN INDOOR VOICE. THANK YOU FOR READING MY ARTICLE.

kool aid

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About the Author: Jack Stover