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Slaanesh Finally Tricks Everyone, Including Eldar?

By Jack Stover | October 20th, 2017 | Categories: jstove, satire, Slaanesh, Warhammer 40k

daemonette close up chaos demon hor wal

The big four Gods of Chaos get together to catch up on the hobby when Slaanesh pulls a plot twist to make Tzeentch proud.

Another JStove satire classic is here, enjoy!
Tzeentch: Hey buddddddy, where you been? We haven’t seen you in a while.

Nurgle: Yea we got a bunch of new models. It was great. You should have showed up.

Khorne: I was there and all I got was an Age of Sigmar starter box. This whole schedule is rigged.

Nurgle: Quit being such a baby. You got a murder train with an axe. And then you got a Forge World kit that put legs on it. You even had your own codex that made free Bloodthirsters and you had D weapons. You’re done for awhile.

Khorne: You got a whole new range! And a Primarch!

Nurgle Alchemy

Nurgle: You greedy…..! Slaanesh didn’t get anything… Slaanesh?

Slaanesh: Yea I did. I was there when Cadia blew up.

Tzeentch: Yea, in the lore, sucking up some Craftworld with Lucius but no new models.

Slaanesh: No, I got a Triumvirate.

Tzeentch: What?

Slaanesh: You didn’t see it?

Nurgle: You mean the Eldar one?

Tzeentch: That’s stupid. Slaanesh eats Eldar souls. That’s his thing. Why would the Eldar Triumvirate be a Slaanesh release?

Slaanesh: Well, to take a page out of your book, bro… Just as planned.

Khorne: I don’t get it.

Slaanesh: Well that’s no surprise. But you, Tzeentch? Really? Come on.

Tzeentch: I’m all-knowing but explain it for Khorne.

Khorne

Nurgle: For Khorne… Sure.

Tzeentch: Shut up.

Slaanesh: So, when you saw the bald chick with the halo made of knives and the latex fetish dress with all the Hellraiser stuff on it, you didn’t immediately think of me?

Nurgle: Kind of.

Tzeentch: I thought it was supposed to be part of the whole Dark Eldar and Eldar together design aesthetic.

Khorne: That model is dumb. I like the red guy though. What’s your point?

Slaanesh: When you saw the Yncarne and it was a giant boyish looking girl god with a swirling vortex of Eldar souls in it’s stomach, you didn’t think of me?

Tzeentch: Isn’t that guy supposed to kick your butt?

Slaanesh: That’s stupid. What am I gonna do? Punch myself? I’m a masochist. How’s that gonna work out for the Eldar?

Nurgle: You’re saying you’re the Yncarne.

Slaanesh: Are there any other factions in 40k that have giant, Eldar-eating, booby demons?

Tzeentch: But the Ynnari are going to unite all the Eldar together under their death god and then kick your teeth in with it.

Slaanesh: What part of that doesn’t sound like my plan?

Tzeentch: I didn’t think you were really into plans. That’s more my thing.

Tzeentch

Slaanesh: Okay Batman, if you’re so much smarter than the Joker, tell me this. If you’re gonna try to kill a Chaos god, do you do it by trying to collect YOUR ENTIRE RACE’S SOULS, ALL IN ONE CONVENIENT PLACE? What part of that sounds like a good idea when the specific Chaos god you want to kill is the one that eats your race’s souls?

Tzeentch: Oh. Wow. That’s actually pretty…

Nurgle: Ha. He got one over on you, Mr. Know-It-All.

Tzeentch: Shut up.

Slaanesh: I also fired all the crab claw, cow demons with saggy you know whats and hired Creature Caster. Those guys really get me. Can you believe those are all natural?

All of them?

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About the Author: Jack Stover

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