The Alpha Legion are at it again. Don’t miss the surprise they cooked up for the one thing the Primaris Space Marines always wanted!
Jstove is back with the latest in cutting edge Chaos satire starring the Defiler of Many Names:
Abbadabbazabba sat upon his command throne, staring into the strategic holobank that lit the Mournival war room in an evil red glow. In the background, the ear-piercing droning of heretical machine-cant could be heard and bathed in the crimson light of the blinking runes, the most devious and evil strategic minds of the Eye of Terror crowded around the flickering hologram.
Alpha Legion Are Behind The Loyalist’s Design Team
Abbadoodle: What are we looking at here?
Warpsmith: Another one of Belisarius Cawl’s “improvements” sire.
Abbadingle: “Improvements?” how?
Warpsmith: Alpharius and/or Omegon have infiltrated the Martian R&D sector, and the Alpha Legion has once again subverted a primaris vehicle design to be… Absolute garbage.
Abbadaddy: I see. Tell me what the Hydra has done.
Warpsmith: Again, the Loyalist Marine players have cried out for a reasonably costed transport vehicle, and again, Mars has delivered… exactly what they never asked for.
Abbazabba: Explain. I have no time for these trifles!
Warpsmith: Once again, the Loyalists have deployed a vehicle which seemingly has no practical purpose. The Marine players asked for a means of cheap transport and the Hydra-subverted Mechanicus designers to deliver a battle tank with what looks to be a turret-mounted single barrel laser destroyer.
Abbadon’t: Tell me about the laser destroyer. Don’t we have this weapon in our arsenal?
Loyalists Can’t Match What Chaos Has Going For Them
Warpsmith: Yes, if it behaves exactly like the Forge World one, the laser destroyer is 36” Strength 12, -4 AP, and D6 damage. Then, you roll another die. On a 3 or higher, it does 2d6 damage. On a 6 it does 3d6. It’s also 60 points.
Abbadoo: Strength 12? So what? It will wound toughness 6 models on a 2? What’s T6, an Ork Trukk? That’s worthless. A lascannon is already S9 and does D6 damage, and has 12 extra inches of range. What is the purpose of a laser destroyer?
Warpsmith: That is the point exactly, Warmaster. By every measurable metric, when we analyze the weapon loadout of this new Loyalist tank, it’s just a strictly worse Predator Annihilator that’s probably going to be way more expensive. Also, it won’t have access to the kill shot stratagem. Furthermore, because its vehicle mounted, it won’t have the benefit of chapter tactics or the infantry-centric Marine stratagems.
Abbadorable: And the Martian design team, do they read Spikey Bits? Do they know that we mock them mercilessly every time they develop a useless vehicle?
Warpsmith: We have not seen rules yet, sire. So it is too soon to say that the vehicle will be totally useless. But if a 60 point laser destroyer that is less consistent than 2 lascannons and more expensive is any indicator, the vehicle will be very poor. In regards to your question, We believe that the design team only pays attention to Long War members when they activate jump packs in the assault phase.
Abbabongos: Ha! Readers that don’t listen to the Long War podcast are filthy ignorant Loyalists and are truly missing out on everything Chaos has to offer.
Warpsmith: Meanwhile, our forces grow ever stronger with Daemonic keyword synergies, amazing buff spells, and vehicles that are actually strong and cheap thanks to the Lord Discordant’s beneficial auras. The Alpha Legion operatives have made synergizing Loyalist vehicles almost fundamentally impossible.
Abbandicoot: Evil will always win because Good is dumb and smelly.
About the Author: Jack Stover
