Roboute Guilliman Wants To Return The Primaris Go-Kart

By Jack Stover | June 19th, 2020 | Categories: 9th Edition 40k, jstove, satire, Tabletop Gaming News, Warhammer 40k

After seeing the new machine gun go-kart headed to the Space Marine armory, Roboute Guilliman made a stop by Mars to return the Primaris ATV.

Roboute Guilliman and Cawl are back at it again. Check out the latest debacle on the Primaris Marine go-kart you either love or hate. Here’s how it all went down, mostly.

Roboute Wants To Send the Marine Go-Kart Back To the Drawing Board

Belly Crawl: Behold, Lord Guilliman, my latest creation!

Rowboat Grilman: Tell me it’s behind the go-kart.

Belisaurus Rex: It… It is the go-kart. It’s not a go-kart! It’s a weapon of war.

Robot Girl: So let me get this straight. The Mechanicus gets cyborg clockwork horses. The Guard gets Elysian dune buggies that can drop out of airplanes. The Death Guard get a floating, stinky, daemonic bumble bee that spits poop. But the SPESS MAHREENS get a go-kart.

Belisarius La Croix: You seem upset.

Roboute Grilymang: I’m just a little bummed out that this is what you went with.

Bellatrix La Strange: Well, can you offer some more productive critique? Just saying you don’t like it doesn’t help me fix it.

Robutt Gill: Well for starters, why does it need two whole Marines? Is it a throwback to the attack bike? Couldn’t it have an automated weapon system in the turret…Or a servitor? We literally put servitors in everything. There’s literally a servitor inside an anti-aircraft missile fired by that anti-aircraft tank we’ve got. There’s one inside the tiny cockpit on top of a Stormraven. But you need two whole Marines to operate this vehicle. Marines are supposed to be the most spread-thin, most valuable fighting force in the galaxy, and here you are, assigning them door gunner jobs that any half-trained Guardsman could do. Do you know why the door gunner is such a crappy job? Its high mortality rate. Door gunners get shot. Constantly. You’re not really helping the narrative that Space Marines are valuable.

Bella choo choo Train: I never thought about it like that, because you know, I can just defrost new marines whenever I want. Because I’ve been conveniently doing that for the past ten thousand years or something.

Rowboat: Please don’t remind me that you broke the lore when you woke me up and invented primaris marines, the Marine players are still crying about retiring their baby Marines.

Bellatron: Is that the only problem?

Row Row Fight the Chaos: No, it’s lame. Of all the science fiction tropes we’ve ripped off, you couldn’t rip off a cool one? Or if you were gonna throwback to an attack bike meme, couldn’t you have at least made it look like Mr. Grimm from Twisted Metal?

Bellasarius Swan from Twilight: Well what do you think would look cooler?

Rowboat Hemmingway: Well for starters, the Halo Warthog. That would have been cool as hell. Or if you want to go old school, a GI JOE Vamp. I mean if you absolutely have to make a little 4×4 doodoo box that needs two crew members, you could at least have made it into a fun truck.

Bella Sera Wines: I hardly think that’s thematically appropriate for Space Marines, sire.

Rowbocop: OH THAT’S CUTE, THE GUY THAT RUINED SPACE MARINE LORE TELLING THE GUY THAT WROTE THE CODEX WHAT’S THEMATIC FOR SPACE MARINES.

Bellcurve: I just don’t think it’s as thematic as the super grimdarkart I’m proposing, is all.

Rowtator cuff: You don’t think bolting machine guns to the hood of a jeep, which is what British Special Forces actually did in World War II, is as thematic as Mario kart?

Belluigi: Well when you put it that way… It’s Marneus Kart. Marneus Calkart.

Marneus Calkart: DON’T YOU BRING ME INTO THIS, YOU’VE BEEN NOTHING BUT A PAIN IN MY ASS SINCE YOU WOKE UP DAD AND GAVE HIM THE CHAPTER BACK.