Ready for more Jstove? Well, he is back with a little message from daddy Khorne himself on 5 tips for dealing with the Tau.
GOOD MORNING YOU WORTHLESS GUT SACKS, IT’S ME AGAIN, YOUR LORD AND MASTER OF HATRED UNENDING, THE BIG DADDY BUTTERMILK KHORNE DOG HIMSELF, TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH YOU DISAPPOINT ME.
WHAT AM I MAD AT TODAY, BESIDES EVERYTHING, AND ESPECIALLY YOU?
IT’S THE TAU. THEIR DUMB SHOOTY CODEX IS HERE AND THAT TICKS ME OFF, BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THOSE FISH FACE COMMIES EVER DO IS FALL BACK AND SHOOT, FALL BACK AND SHOOT, FALL BACK AND SHOOT.
FREAKIN’ COWARDS.
THE ONLY THING THAT TICKS ME OFF MORE THAN A BUNCH OF DUMB BLUE COMMIE ALIEN ATHEISTS ACTING COWARDLY IS YOU ACTING COWARDLY!
EVERY COUPLE YEARS WE DO THIS WHOLE SONG AND DANCE WHERE YOU MORONS GO OUT AND START WRITING MORE COWARDLY ARMY LISTS BECAUSE THE TAU COME ALONG WITH A FANCY NEW CODEX WITH MORE BIGGER SHOOTING, AND YOU WHINE AND MOAN BECAUSE YOU’RE GETTING WIPED OFF THE TABLE AND IT’S NOT FAAAAAIIIIR.
OH CRY ME A RIVER, BUILD A BRIDGE, AND FIND SLAANESH SLEEPING UNDER IT, THEN WAKE HIM UP AND TELL HIM HE’S FIRED.
ACTUALLY WAIT, DON’T WAKE THAT IDIOT UP. HE WAS SO HIGH ON ELF SOULS THAT HE VOMITED THEM UP IN HIS SLEEP LIKE JIMI HENDRIX AND NOW THERE’S A BUNCH OF PSYCHO SNAKE LADY MURDER ELVES RUNNING AROUND IN AGE OF SIGMAR.
I’M OKAY WITH THAT BECAUSE THOSE LADYS ARE CRAZY AND THEY KILL LOTS OF PEOPLE. I LIKE THAT KHAINE GUY, HE REALLY GETS ME. MAYBE HE’S THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES, BECAUSE THE REST OF YOU BRAINLESS SKULL SACKS KEEP LOSING TO TAU ARMIES EVERY COUPLE YEARS.
SO I’VE CREATED A HANDY LIST OF THINGS TO DO WHEN TAU COMES OUT, SO THAT I DON’T SEND SKULLTAKER OUT TO WRECK YOUR SPINE AND TURN YOUR SKIN INTO A LAMPSHADE FOR YOUR TRAGIC FAILURES.
1- PLAY WITH ITC TERRAIN RULES
THIS IS EASY AND IT DOESN’T COST ANYTHING, SO DO IT AND STOP BEING DUMB. THE GROUND FLOOR OF EVERY RUIN BLOCKS LINE OF SIGHT. END OF STORY. THE WINDOWS ARE CLOGGED WITH DEBRIS OR SOMETHING. THIS IS A GOOD RULE BECAUSE OTHERWISE RUINS FULL OF WINDOWS ARE BASICALLY USELESS AND THIS IS BASICALLY THE ONLY TIME I WILL EVER ENDORSE COWARDICE. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO BE COWARDLY WHEN YOU’RE HIDING FROM GUNS SO YOU CAN GET CLOSER TO YOUR ENEMY, AND THEN KILL HIM WITH YOUR CHAINAXE. SEE HOW THAT WORKS, IT’S COMPROMISE IN A RELATIONSHIP. SPECIFICALLY, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. WE COMPROMISE- YOU HIDE FROM GUNS LIKE A LITTLE COWARD, AND I PRETEND I DIDN’T SEE YOU DOING IT WHEN YOU BRING ME SKULLS.
2- USE DEEP STRIKE AND SACRIFICIAL CHARGES
I DON’T KNOW IF YOU IDIOTS KNEW THIS, BUT NOT EVERY MODEL IN YOUR CODEX IS DESIGNED TO LIVE THROUGH THE BATTLE. I CERTAINLY DON’T CARE IF THEY DO BECAUSE I’M KHORNE, BUT SOME OF YOU SEEMED TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT WAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MEAT GRINDER, NOT A BEAUTY PAGEANT FOR WHO HAS THE MOST SKULL JEWELRY ON THEIR ARMOR. (AND I WIN THAT PAGEANT FOREVER, SO STOP HAVING IT, IT’S POINTLESS) THAT MEANS THAT SOMETIMES, YOU MORONS HAVE TO PUT PRESSURE ON THE ENEMY TO DICTATE THEIR SHOOTING, SO YOU CAN GET THE REAL HITTERS IN UNSCATHED. I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO SACRIFICE THE LIVES OF YOUR INFERIORS TO GET THE BLOOD FLOWING, THAT IS LITERALLY HALF MY GIMMICK. THE OTHER HALF OF MY GIMMICK IS KILLING YOU. SO THROW SOME DEMONS IN DEEP STRIKE, RHINO RUSH SOMETHING… HELL, DO ANYTHING, AND EXPECT IT TO FAIL, BUT THEN BRING UP THE REAL BUSINESS RIGHT BEHIND IT. NOT EVERYONE GETS TO BE A HERO. SOME OF YOU MORONS HAVE TO SOAK OVERWATCH.
4- KILL THE COWARD CHEATERS WITH SMART MISSILES
WEAPONS THAT DON’T REQUIRE LINE OF SIGHT ARE THE MOST COWARDLY OF ALL, AND YOU KNOW WHICH ONES THEY ARE, BECAUSE THEY’LL ALWAYS BE HIDING LIKE COWARDS WHILE THEY STAND BEHIND A WALL AND SHOOT YOUR COWARDS STANDING BEHIND WALLS. I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT THE ONLY KIND OF COWARDS ARE LIKE ARE THE KINDS THAT USE COWARDICE TO GET CLOSER TO OTHER COWARDS AND KILL THEM, SO PRIORITIZE KILLING THOSE COWARDS! WHICH COWARDS AM I TALKING ABOUT? ALL OF THEM YOU IDIOTS! YOU’RE ALL DEAD TO ME IN THE LONG RUN, SO BE QUICK ABOUT IT!
AS AN ASIDE, WHAT KIND OF MORONS ARE YOU WHEN YOU SET UP A TABLE? IT NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME THAT SOMEHOW TAU CAN ALWAYS SHOOT EVERYTHING ACROSS AN OPEN TABLE, YET SOMEHOW THERE’S ALWAYS A CONVENIENT BRICK WALL ON THEIR SIDE OF THE BATTLEFIELD TO HIDE THEIR SMART MISSILES BEHIND. DID 10,000 YEARS OF SITTING ON YOUR BUTTS IN THE EYE OF TERROR MAKE YOU MORONS SUDDENLY FORGET HOW TO CHOOSE YOUR GROUND? PICK THE DEPLOYMENT ZONE THAT DOESN’T LET THEM DO THAT, YOU IDIOT.
5- START MAKING TERRAIN THAT ISN’T CRAP
THIS IS THE THING THAT REALLY BUGS ME THE MOST ABOUT AMERICAN HOBBYISTS, AND YES, I’M SINGLING YOU NERDS OUT, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT. OVER IN EUROPE, THEY CONSIDER TABLE AND TERRAIN BUILDING TO BE PART OF THE HOBBY, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THIS THING CALLED PRIDE. BUT BECAUSE YOUR QUEEN MOTHER DIDN’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH AND YOU THREW A TANTRUM AND BECAME YOUR OWN COUNTRY BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER THAN YOUR PARENTS, YOU HAD TO GO DO YOUR OWN THING.
NOW FOR A WHILE, IT WORKED OUT PRETTY GREAT. YOU SHOT A LOT OF REDCOATS, HAD A CIVIL WAR, LOTS OF PEOPLE DIED. FOR A MINUTE I WAS REALLY BEHIND THIS WHOLE AMERICA THING. BUT SUDDENLY, 200 YEARS OR SO LATER, YOU BASTARDS GOT REALLY LAZY AND NOW YOU THINK IT’S ACCEPTABLE TO PLAY ON CRAPPY TABLES WITH YOUR TERRAIN MADE OF STYROFOAM AND CARDBOARD, AND YOU THINK THAT’S OKAY. THAT’S THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOU LOSE TO TAU, YOU IDIOTS, IT’S BECAUSE YOU DON’T PLAY ON REAL TABLES!
HERE’S AN IDEA, IF YOU’RE TOO DUMB AND LAZY TO MAKE A TABLE THAT ISN’T CRAP, WHY NOT PLAY ZONE MORTALIS ON THIS NEW CARDBOARD NECROMUNDA TILES? THEY COST LIKE NOTHING.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GORE-SOAKED AND UNHOLY, DON’T JUST STOP FIGHTING TAU ON OPEN FIELDS, STOP FIGHTING TAU ON OPEN FIELDS PAINTED BROWN AND COVERED IN GREEN STATIC GRASS.
YOU’VE GOT A WHOLE DAMN GALAXY OF WAR AND FOR SOME REASON ALL YOU MORONS EVER DO IS FIGHT ON THAT ONE AGRI-WORLD WITH THE IDYLLIC GRASSY KNOLLS. HOLY CRAP, NO WONDER YOU MORONS ALWAYS LOSE TO TAU. IT’S LIKE YOU’RE ALL WAITING ON A LOVELY GREEN HILL TO SHOOT KENNEDY, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF A CONVERTIBLE LIMO, HE SHOWS UP IN A BRINKS TRUCK STRAPPED WITH MARKER LIGHTS AND GUN DRONES. YOU GUYS REALLY ARE DUMB.
YOU’VE ALL BEEN WARNED. THE NEXT ONE OF YOU THAT LOSES TO TAU ON A STYROFOAM TABLE FLOCKED WITH GREEN STATIC GRASS IS GETTING YOUR SPINE PULLED OUT OF YOUR THROAT AND WORN AS A BELT BY SKULLTAKER.
