Neave Blacktalon is the biggest badass in all of the realms. Let’s take a look at her biography to see why she is the best Stormcast since sliced bread.
Here is a comprehensive list of all of her traits and accomplishments. Be afraid… be very afraid.
Sigmar’s Champion
Table of Contents & Article Summary
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Jumping right in, she has 7 attacks that hit on 3, wound on 3, have -1 rend, and generate more attacks on hit rolls of a six. Her attacks also do 2 damage when targeting heroes.
But did you also know these incredible facts about Sigmar’s #1 lady?
- Neave Blacktalon does not know what an armor save is because she has never had to take one. Anyone she gets within 1” of is already dead before they have a chance to strike her.
- Mortal Wounds ask permission to be allocated to Neave Blacktalon. Since Neave Blacktalon believes in strength through adversity, she always grants permission but doesn’t actually have to.
- Neave Blacktalon once took Sigmar out to dinner and bought him a 12oz steak, then drove him home, dropped him off, and never called him back.
- Neave Blacktalon was the only woman ever deemed acceptable as a Space Marine candidate, but immediately washed out of training when she told the chaplain “Anyone with a ranged weapon longer than 9 inches is a coward.”
- Neave Blacktalon always rinses and repeats 3 times when she washes her hair, exactly as the instructions appear on the shampoo bottle.
- Neave Blacktalon was the first woman offered the rank of Celestant Prime by Sigmar but respectfully declined because she “didn’t want to make all those guys look bad.”
- Kharn the Betrayer has a pet kitten named Neave Cat Talon. Neave Blacktalon’s retail price is set at the number of people Neave Cat Talon has murdered. Her blister is currently $25. Neave Cat Talon is 3 months old.
Skeletons are Evil
100% Totally True Biography of Neave Blacktalon
- Neave Blacktalon does not have bones because skeletons are evil and she considers bones to be shortcuts for lazy people to hold their organs together. Neave Blacktalon’s organs stay in place out of sheer intimidation and fear of what will become of them if they disappoint her.
- Neave Blacktalon was on an unaired season of survivor. The producers pulled the show after she voted Jeff Probst off the island on the first episode.
- Cato Sicarius calls Neave Blacktalon 3 times a day for tactical advice.
- Neave Blacktalon’s tinder profile picture is a photo of her in a bikini standing on top of a dead bloodthirster with a keg of beer under one arm and a boombox under the other, while wearing sunglasses, at night.
- Neave Blacktalon spars with the entire Wu-Tang Clan on weekends, all at once, and lets them win every time because she doesn’t want them to stop making records.
- Judas Priest records played backwards don’t have instructions to summon the devil, they have instructions to summon Neave Blacktalon.
- When Neave Blacktalon kills Celestine or Guilliman, they stay down.
It Gets Better
- Neave Blacktalon is Android 18.
- Neave Blacktalon is Chuck Norris’s father.
- Neave Blacktalon can beat Jackie Chan in a fight, even if Jackie Chan doesn’t want any trouble.
- Neave Blacktalon wrote, produced, and directed Blood Sport.
- Neave Blacktalon does not have time to bleed.
- Neave Blacktalon does not get reforged, she just gets pissed.
- Neave Blacktalon was earmarked to be cast as Valeria in 1982 Conan The Barbarian but was passed over for the part because she was more ripped than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Neave Blacktalon has never actually lost a game of Blight War or Age of Sigmar but has graciously conceded several times just to be a good sport to opponents who were unfortunate enough to have to play against a list with Neave Blacktalon.
- Neave Blacktalon beat Perturabo at Regicide.
- Neave Blacktalon is the leading recruitment tool for the Schola Progenium. She murders their parents, and the war orphans are sent to the Schola.
Neave Gets Spicy
- Neave Blacktalon eats an entire plate of buffalo wings with ghost peppers for dinner every night, washes it down with an entire gallon of milk, and then craps it directly into the Garden of Nurgle exactly 3 hours later. So far Nurgle has refused to touch it, insisting “That crazy lady is too hardcore for me.”
- Neave Blacktalon knows Magnus did nothing wrong, because Neave Blacktalon accidentally broke the webway project herself several hundred years prior when she tripped over it while babysitting the Emperor. The result scattered the Primarchs across the galaxy. Emps blamed Chaos because he was afraid of what would happen if he blamed Neave Blacktalon.
- Neave Blacktalon taught Genghis Khan how to ride a horse.
- Archaon the Everchosen is the treasurer of Neave Blacktalon’s fan club.
- Neave Blacktalon has never missed an attack roll. The ones and twos simply hit other targets in another game somewhere else where Neave Blacktalon is being used.
- When Neave Blacktalon out-drank Slaanesh under the table at a party. He blacked out and vomited up 2 elf factions in his sleep.
- Neave Blacktalon can open a peanut butter jar with one twist.
- Neave Blacktalon has three children- Hate, Pain, and Suffering.
- Neave Blacktalon is Lotara Sarrin’s aunt.
- Mortal champions of the Chaos gods aren’t allowed to ascend to Daemonhood without first passing a placement interview with Neave Blacktalon.
- Neave Blacktalon doesn’t sleep. She just waits.
- Neave Blacktalon invented the Chainsword, decided it wasn’t brutal enough, and licensed it to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
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