The first piece from JStove for 2018 is here and he brings with him some “100% completely factual Warhammer 40k rumors” from the darkest parts of the Internet!
Jstove here, and today I’m talking to RELIABLE SOURCES on the INTERNETS to bring you news of the latest releases for Warhammer 40,000. Let’s dive into some of these juicy and completely accurate facts.
After years of languishing in Forge World army lists, Traitor Guard will finally receive their own codex. There will be no new model range, the new kits will just be a Cadian Battleforce with a sprue of spikey bits and a couple of Chaos Marauder command parts thrown into the box for good measure. The Traitor Guard codex itself will also just be an Astra Militarum in a plastic bag with a spikey bits sprue in it. The collector’s edition will include a Daemons codex.
The plot will continue to advance. Cypher will reveal to Roboute Guilliman the Dark Angels best kept secret: Luther’s blend of herbs and spices that make the secret original recipe for his world famous Caliban Fried Chicken.
Sisters of Battle will get a facelift, a new plastic range, and will be updated to have a less fetish nun, more punk look. No new plastics will be produced, they will just be Necromunda Eschers and Sisters of Silence thrown together in the same box. The new codex will have tons of new lore about all the battles that the Sisters almost won, or were all killed at, or were about to win and then Space Marines showed up and took the credit.
As part of the ongoing conspiracy that Chaos players are constantly butthurt about something, Forge World will release a new Dreadnought invented by Belisarius Cawl. It will be a true AI (Because Cawl gets to do whatever he wants because he’s special) and it will have the exact same rules as the Decimator Engine, but it will have Imperial keywords and do more mortal wounds.
Tyranids will get a splash release with lots of lore about how they almost ate a whole sector, and then miraculously a Primarch, or daemons, or a Demon Primarch will show up to stop them. They will get a new three model Swarmlord kit. It will make your choice of Swarmlord Classic, Zero Calorie Swarmlord, or Swarmlord with Real Cane Sugar.
Someone at GW will remember that Fabius Bile is supposed to be the greatest geneticist in the galaxy, and they’ll make new Chaos Marines. The new Chaos Marines will be Primaris Chaos Marines because Bile stole the secret recipe or something, and then Chaos players will be able to not use Primaris Marines just like Loyalist players.
Mephiston will hallucinate a vision from Sanguinius which will provide Blood Angel fans with false hope for the return of their Primarch for the next ten or fifteen years. An expedition into the tomb of Alan Bligh is scheduled for 2019 to find the designs for Sangy’s 30k Primarch model that was rumored to be buried with him, along with the STC for Baal Predator Engines and a new jump pack design. In the 2019 codex, Blood Angel Assault Squads will still not be troops.
Tau will receive no new models in 2018, and Tau players will go back to their first hobby, Gundam kits.
GW will tease more new Chaos models, leading Chaos players once again to believe that the CSM range is actually being updated. However, it will actually just be an Age of Sigmar false flag release for new Chaos Warriors. Not knowing that AoS is actually fun, 40k Chaos players will remain butthurt.
As part of a marketing stunt, GW will allow the community to pick the next plastic LOYALIST Primarch that returns to 40k. After a hard fought internet troll battle between Lion and Leman Russ, the poll will be rushed by Chaos players who will vote in Alpharius, causing him to be the returning Loyalist Primarch. Despite winning, Chaos players will still be butthurt.
Ghazghkull Thraka will get a new plastic model that features the return of beloved Grot Banna Wava Makari. No one at GW will actually remember that Ghazghkull’s long suffering banner Grot was finally killed off after Ghaz accidentally sat on him. This will be retconned.
Following the success of boxed specialist games, GW will re-release Battlefleet Gothic. Fans everywhere will rush to Nottingham and burn down GW HQ when they reveal that BFG will not be a complete strategic wargame like it was originally. It will simply be just a one-off boxed re-hash, like Dreadfleet did to Man O’ War. Somehow, Matt Ward will be blamed and crucified.
Andy Chambers will return to GW and the internet will rejoice. Pictures will circulate around Twitter, and the hobby universe will release a collective sigh of relief. Then it will be revealed that he was just showing up to stick his head in a Black Library writer’s meeting with Gav Thorpe and ADB and left.
Chris Metzen will be hired on as the new Creative Director for 40k. Eldar armies will be required to construct pylons in order to use the webway. Tyranid armies will remain unchanged, since they were already Zerg.
THQ will announce Dawn of War 4. Instead of an RTS or a tabletop port like everyone wanted, and it will be a PUBG/Battle Royale-style FPS.
A company that doesn’t suck will finally get the rights to the Battletech franchise, causing every gamer who was alive in the 80s to quit 40k and go back to the game that they actually care about.
How do you like these “100% completely factual Warhammer 40k rumors” straight outta the gate for 2018?
