JStove is back with another instant classic! This time we’re getting a special message from Lord Orlock and his hate towards the Tau. Come check it out!
Hello citizens of the Imperium.
My name is Lord Handlebar “Stunner Shades” Orlock, and my mustache is a real American.
I’m here today with my stunner shades and my mustache to tell you about the Tau Codex, and what you can do to be a real man that smells like a manly smelling man.
Just kidding. I’m from Necromunda. I don’t even know what a Tau is. We live in the underhive, a better, manlier place with more mohawks and mustaches, where men are men, and the women all wear stripper heels and also have mohawks. Being a hair stylist is a very lucrative profession down here, i’m bald, but i still go to the salon every other week to groom my magnificent handlebar of freedom.
Look at me. What’s in my hand? It’s several hundred dollars worth of Forge World Zone Mortalis tiles, the kind you always wanted to play games on. Now look over there. That’s a giant electric fan that I push my enemies into to make them into blood confetti. Look back at my hand, the Forge World Zone Mortalis tiles are now cardboard Bad Zone tiles and they’re only 40 bucks.
You could play games on those, if you had them. But I have them.
Now look at your miniature case. It’s full of foam trays packed with models. You probably paid a fortune for it, just so you could take your little toy men to the shop on saturday afternoon to play a game.
Now look back at my hand. No. Too fast. They’re already on the table. It’s a box of Ten Necromunda models for $40. They are already assembled, painted, and ready to play. You’re still painting your silly army of guardsmen or space marines with all the models that look exactly alike.
I’m already playing the game.
What’s a tau? Don’t know. I heard it’s a giant robot that can’t fit through doors. We don’t have those kind of problems down here, because we have walls and doors.
Now look at my stunner shades. I tricked you again. Look at my hand, it’s a gang roster, full of models that improve with experience, or get injured tragically and die. Only Destiny knows what will happen in Necromunda. Destiny is the name of my amazing mustache.
Look back at the table. I’m rolling dice. I don’t even need that many. I’ve already shot you. You are pinned.
Look back at me. I’m marking experience on my gang roster. My ballistic skill just went up a point. I don’t even need to buy a Tau codex.
The gang roster is now a priceless sump clam pearl.
Anything is possible when your man smells like a Necromunda man. BOOM!
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