The Ad Mech don’t want you to know this, but the Varlian device is just a magic copy and paste 3d printer machine from earth’s early history
The Adeptus Mechanicus are a bit in denial lately. Since they’ve traded the Rubicon Primaris to the Adeptus Astartes, they forgot the blueprints on how to make another for themselves. They’ve done the best they can do by buying a knock-off version on eBay but they’re getting less desirable results. This audio slate was found in Cawl’s dresser. Let’s listen in.
The Varlian Device Is Just an Off-Brand Historical Printer
[Cawl]: For the 01001101’th time, I don’t have the print files for the Rubicon Primaris. I can’t just go to “ThE EmpErOr’S FinEsT” and ask to take a few pics of the machine. What would that look like coming from Mars’ leading master Techpriest? They’d think I was a fool.
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: Well we have to do something…If we keep letting the Astartes print soldiers we’ll fall behind and become obsolete. I really don’t want to be made into antenna bits for their stupid Impulsors.
[Cawl]: Oh. You haven’t seen my latest invention, have you? Well, I actually got it off a historical war reenactor store on eBay, but this thing will be able to fill whatever role we would need the Rubicon for and then some! It’s called the Varlian device.
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: Really? That’s great because I was just going over our numbers and right now, we’re basically a static gunline of laser beam toasters out there. We need more speed. You think you could use that machine to give us something fast…hard-hitting….and maybe a way to apply some early pressure the same way the Astartes Warsu…
[Cawl]: DONE
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: What are those?
[Cawl]: Exactly what you ordered. They’re fast, hit hard, and will be able to punch right through the enemy.
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: You know everything out there is either warp-charged with daemonic energy or has enough firepower to leave craters the size of an apartment, right?
[Cawl]: yah so?
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: Why do these guys have 14th Century helmets and why are they riding mechanical flamer-mouth dogs.
[Cawl]: Three words…Respect. the. drip.
[Techpriest floppy diskus]:….okay let’s try something else. I also noticed that currently, we have no airforce at all. I don’t know how we managed to make it this far without one, but we need something reliable that’ll be able to fill any kind of role we need. A transport or some kind of gunship would be…
[Cawl]: DONE
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: What in the Emperor’s well-oiled abs is that thing?
[Cawl]: EXACTLY WHAT YOU ORDERED
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: Does it even have an engine?
[Cawl]: No. We’re just gonna kinda…push it. Like a paper airplane. They go pretty far and you only have to flick your hand like this…We just do the same thing with these.
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: And you want us to put guys inside of it to deliver reinforcements.
[Cawl]: Yah. After it lands, they get out and it takes off to do it all over again.
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: So how is it supposed to take back off without someone to “push” it?
[Cawl]:…
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: *Sigh* how expensive are these to make?
[Cawl]: I don’t wanna talk about it.
[Techpriest floppy diskus]: We’re in trouble aren’t we.
[Cawl]: Get out. But turn on the roomba servitor before you leave.
[Cawl]: *indiscriminate phone dialing* Bobbyyyy! What’s up playa! Hey, gotta favor to ask you. You still using that Rubicon thing I gave you?
What do you think the Varlian device is going to be in Engine War?
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About the Author: Wesley Floyd
Wesley Floyd
Job Title: Staff Writer
Joined: 2018
Socials: @RealmbrushPainting
About Wesley Floyd: Wes has been in the Warhammer hobby since 2015 and joined the Spikey Bits writing team in 2018. He is known for his satirist takes on trending topics and imaginative yet amazingly affordable hobby solutions to painting Warhammer miniatures.
Imperial fanboy, tabletop fanatic, and the self-proclaimed King of Sprues. He knows for a fact that Mephiston red is the best-tasting paint and is the commission painting equivalent of a Wendy’s 4 for $4. If you like what he writes and want to contact him or have your tabletop minatures painted (to a mostly okayish standard), message him on Instagram.
