COL. Sam Jackson has survived his way to Warhammer 40K and he is ready to address everyone on the glories of Imperial Guard artillery.
Col. Samuel L. Jackson is here today to give us an earful about the glories of the Imperial Guard and how their artillery will punish heretics and be your new best friend in 8th Edition.
COLONEL SAM JACKSON TALKS TACTICS- ARTILLERY
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM.
I AM COLONEL SAM JACKSON OF THE NECROMUNDA HITMEN AND I AM HERE TO TELL YOU WHY THE IMPERIAL GUARD IS GOING TO PUT ITS MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF THE ROCK’S BOOTS ON YOUR THROAT IN 8TH EDITION. SOME OF YOU WRETCHED HERETIC MUTHAWITCHES ARE SOMEHOW MISTAKEN IN BELIEVING THAT THE GUARD WILL NOT DESTROY YOUR BUTTS THIS EDITION. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE WRONG.
TODAY I AM GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT ARTILLERY, AND WHY IT GOT BETTER.
A LOT OF YOU MUTHAWITCHIN HERETICS GOT YOUR PANTIES ALL BUNCHED UP BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT HAVING A RANDOM DIE ROLL INSTEAD OF A BLAST TEMPLATE IS SOMEHOW A NERF. YOU ARE WRONG AND I AM GOING TO ROB YOUR BARBERSHOP WHEN YOU COME TO AMERICA, MUTHAWITCH.
FIRST, I AM GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE WYVERN.
IT WAS ALREADY INSANE AND THEN THEY MADE IT BETTER. IT DOES 4D6 HITS. THAT’S ENOUGH DICE TO HIT EVERY DAMN SNAKE ON THIS WHOLE DAMN PLANE. THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH THE WYVERN BEFORE WAS THAT IT KILLED EVERYTHING IT SHOT AT AND THEN IT COULD NEVER HIT IT AGAIN. YOU HAD NOWHERE TO PLANT THOSE BLAST MARKERS.
WELL NOT ANYMORE MUTHAWITCHES. ON TURN 1, I AM GOING TO HIT YOU WITH 4D6. THEN ON TURN 2, I AM GOING TO HIT YOU WITH 4D6. IF YOU’RE STILL HERE ON TURN 3… THAT WAS A JOKE. THERE WON’T BE A TURN 3 BECAUSE I’M GOING TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE WYVERN, YOU MUTHAWITCHIN HERETIC. TAKE YOUR DAMN MODELS HOME AND PUT THEM ON THE SHELF AND CRY.
NOW I’M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT THE BASILISK.
I DID NOT LIKE THE BASILISK. IT WASN’T AS TOUGH AS A LEMAN RUSS AND IT WASN’T AS STRONG AS A DEMOLISHER CANNON. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT? GUESS WHAT MUTHAWITCH? I AIN’T WORRIED ABOUT THAT ANYMORE. NOW, WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN IS THAT I AM GOING TO DROP AN EARTHSHAKER SHELL IN YOUR LAP AND YOU ARE GOING TO DIE AND BURN IN HELL!
BECAUSE THE BASILISK ROLLS 2 DICE FOR ITS DAMAGE AND PICKS THE HIGHEST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A SQUAD OF BASILISKS IS GOING TO DO TO THAT PUNK GREATER DEMON? IT’S GOING TO SEND HIM BACK TO THE WARP WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE. ON TURN ONE NO LESS.
YOU MUTHAWITCHES BETTER START PLAYING WITH SOME LINE OF SIGHT BLOCKING COVER OR YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR PRIMARCHS AND BLOODTHIRSTERS AT HOME. I AM COLONEL SAM JACKSON OF THE NECROMUNDA HITMEN, AND I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUR SHINY MUTHAWITCHIN MONSTER.
I GOT A SHELL WITH YOUR NAME ON IT AND I’MA KEEP FIRING MY BIG GUNS AT YOUR MUTHAWITCHIN BUTT UNTIL I FIND IT.
IMPERIAL GUARD MUTHAWITCH, DO YOU PLAY IT?
