Hey Spikey Bits, It’s JStove here, and if there’s one thing I hate more than anything… It’s all you barely 900 hundred year old new school traitors that think noise marines listen to that newfangled garbage electro-junk music.
Welcome to another Jstove original, submitted via subspace transmission.
THAT’S HERESY AGAINST SLAANESH. ALL THE REAL LEGIONNAIRES FROM M33 KNOW THAT NOISE MARINES LISTEN TO HEAVY METAL.
So I got my camera out, took some crappy photographs, (seriously man I did a lot of warp dust, I’m so high, these pictures suck.) and here’s some family photos of my Emperor’s Children Scouring Era chaos army, the Kinky Pinkies.
First things first, we gotta break all your bad habits. If you want to be proper traitors and learn how to rock like Wyld Stalyns and be true children of the emperor, you need to get this through your helmet. HEAVY METAL NOISE MARINES. Party on Wayne. Party on Garth.
Sprinkled throughout the army are miniatures with lovely homages to the bands your parents were listening to when they conceived you. Also, some punk bands got in too. That guy on the left is Zak the punk, with the Choking Victim logo on his shoulder. He’s an alright guy, and punk will always be better than dubstep.
Here’s some of the homeless retro models from the late eighties that found their way into the army. Remember kids- Even the bass player gets laid more than a crappy EDM dj! Pay no attention to the lost guy in the middle. Any resemblance he has to another science fiction franchise that may or may not have “space marines” is purely coincidental and unintentional.
The heaviest metal of all in the army is a giant pink typhon, with some Rob Zombie lyrics scribbled on it. Remember girls, check for lumps. Breast cancer kills!
The land raider, and most of the other vehicles in the army, are custom decaled with illustrations by Eisner award winning comic artist Eliza Frye, demon princess of Slaanesh.
The Lady Evil is a storm raven kit converted into a storm eagle. I thought the roof racks for the missile silos were kind of goofy, and I wanted the aircraft to have a more true-military look, so I overloaded the payload with under-wing ordnance like a close support fighter.
All credit to Miss Frye for the sexiness. Remember kids, it’s not a pervert army- It’s a breast cancer awareness army!
Emperor’s Children Noise dreads from IA 13, converted from helbrute/dreadnought kits.
A Ferrus Infernum from IA13 rolling that hot demon prince result and busting out of his sarcophagus.
No self-respecting warp dust addict could possibly build an EC army without Doomie. Unfortunately his dynamic model makes it a pain in my ass to get a good picture of him.
Then there’s the big man himself, in his original purples, practicing his Blue Steel pose.
Okay look, so one EDM guy snuck in. We’re letting him stay because he brought a huge pile of warp dust.
The fearless leader of the army (When dad is off on one of his possessed crazy days) is the Sadomaximizer. Why? Because his name is the Sadomaximizer. He sadomaximizes, with tentacles. Don’t ask how, this is a PG 13 blog post.
Unless Demon Prince Cthulhu shows up. He has the market cornered on tentacles, and also being on fire.
Dude, just be cool. Don’t stare at her. Just don’t stare. You’ll look like a total weirdo stalker. Oh shit, look away! She looked right at us!
Every squad in the army is themed on heads so they can be told apart on the table. One of them is all top knots. One of them is all raptor heads, these guys are baldy squad, with all members except the unit champion sporting respirators.
The limited edition mail order captain sporting the Kranon sword as a 30k traitor praetor.
The family photos of some of the models on parade. The army is built as a Scouring-Era force of veterans fleeing the aftermath of the Siege of Terra, which the Emperor’s Children escaped mostly unscathed because they were too busy looting and rocking out to be involved in the worst fighting. There are no cultists in the army, and in 30k rules I use the Pride of the Legion doctrine to represent the badass dudes that survived the Heresy long enough to fight their way back to the Eye of Terror.
I also intentionally picked units that didn’t match the legion’s character like a destroyer squad and the typhon, to show that the warband had become ragtag and were no longer as picky about their strategic choices as they would have been when they were still loyal and strictly following their legion doctrine. The army uses a huge mix of loyalist and chaos marine armor marks in various stages of being ‘chaosified’ so that the models look like they’ve been scavenging loyalist dead for supplies as they flee from battlefield to battlefield. Many of the marines and the vehicles still bear the aquila, which the legion never removed from their livery like the other traitors.
The collection can be tabled as 30k, 40k marines, or chaos marines, depending on model choice. I went with the post-heresy pink/black scheme because at this point in the timeline the legion went full-batshit and probably discarded the old livery. The only exceptions are naturally Fulgrim himself and Doomie, because when Doomie did have an official model he was original legion purple.
Hope you enjoyed another Jstove original. Checkout what else he has to say about the game we all love to hate sometimes, HERE!
About the Author: Rob Baer
Rob Baer
Job Title: Managing Editor
Founded Spikey Bits in 2009
Socials: Rob Baer on Facebook and @catdaddymbg on X
About Rob Baer: Founder, Publisher, & Managing Editor of Spikey Bits, the leading tabletop gaming news website focused on the hobby side of wargaming and miniatures.
Rob also co-founded and currently hosts the Long War Podcast, which has over 350 episodes and focuses on tabletop miniatures gaming, specializing in Warhammer 40k. and spent six years writing for Bell of Lost Souls.
Every year, along with his co-hosts, he helps host the Long War 40k Doubles Tournament at Adepticon and the Long War 40k Doubles at the Las Vegas Open, each of which attracts thousands of players from around the world.
Rob has won many Warhammer 40k Tournaments over the years, including multiple first-place finishes in Warhammer 40k Grand Tournaments over the years and even winning 1st place at the 2011 Adepticon 40k Team Tournament. He was even featured for his painting in issue #304 of Games Workshop’s White Dwarf Magazine.
With over 30 years of experience in retail and distribution, Rob knows all the products and exactly which ones are the best. As a member of GAMA (Game Manufacturers Association), he advocates for gaming stores and manufacturers in these difficult times, always looking for the next big thing to feature for the miniatures hobby, helping everyone to provide the value consumers want.
While he’s played every edition of Warhammer 40k and Warhammer Fantasy (since 5th Edition) and has been hobbying on miniatures since the 1980s, Titans of all sizes will always be his favorite! It’s even rumored that his hobby vault rivals the Solemnance Galleries, containing rulebooks filled with lore from editions long past, ancient packs of black-bordered Magic Cards, and models made of both pewter and resin.
