The Traitor Primarchs have gathered for a conference call, and it’s entertaining the say the least. Come find out what they all had to say!
MAGNUS- Guys, guys, you gotta come out of retirement and see this.
MORTARION- Shut up nerd.
MAGNUS– Hey remember that time you voted to shut down the librarius? Guess what you dumb jock, I’m the biggest damn model in the game now and I’m swole as hell! Deal with it.
PERTURABO- Will you two quit it? I need complete concentration while I paint the gemming on the lenses of these lascannon scopes for my land raider model…
FULGRIM- That’s boring.
MAGNUS- You think everything that doesn’t involve warp dust is boring.
FULGRIM- I have a problem.
MAGNUS- Alright, if you’re all finished-
LORGAR- GLORY TO US, FOR WE HAVE BECOME GODS! ALSO WHATS UP?
MORTARION- Speak up my ears have rotted off I can barely hear you.
MAGNUS- Damn it Lorgar do you have to yell every time you pick up the vox?
ANGRON- YES HE DOES. WE ALL HAVE TO SHOUT, OTHERWISE I CAN’T HEAR ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE I AM SHOUTING TOO LOUD.
LORGAR- HEY THIS IS GREAT RIGHT? DIDN’T I TELL YOU GUYS TEN THOUSAND YEARS AGO HOW GREAT THIS WAS?
MAGNUS- You mean Erebus told us, right?
FULGRIM- Yeah it’s pretty great.
LORGAR- GLORY! GLORY AND CHAOS!
MAGNUS- Alright everyone just- SHUT THE HELL UP FOR A MINUTE!
PERTURABO- Damn it. You made me drop my brush.
MAGNUS- Listen guys, I just won a huge GT. I came back with a new model and four of my princes, and I just walked in and hosed everything. The psychic phase is totally bloated and the imperium is completely screwed. You totally gotta come out of retirement, it couldn’t be better out there if I planned it.
MORTARION- So you admit you didn’t plan it.
MAGNUS- Shut up.
ANGRON- YOU MEAN LIKE THAT TIME I KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF ARMAGEDDON?
MAGNUS- No Angron, nobody remembers that. I mean like, holy crap guys, ten thousand years ago it was 1989. Now everything is plastic and Cadia exploded. It literally exploded! That prick from the Black Legion, you know, Horus’s step son? He finally pulled the trigger and sealed the deal. Chaos is blowing up man, literally. Blowing up planets.
LORGAR– AS IS OUR RIGHT AS THE INHERITORS OF CREATION AND-
MAGNUS- No you idiot, shut up for a minute. I mean we actually did it. All those Cadian regiments? They’re unemployed. Homeless. It’s not like Angron’s fake demonic invasion that didn’t do crap, and then got out shined by the orks, Cadia is gone. It’s space dust. It’s freakin Alderaan!
ANGRON- OK I ADMIT IT, THAT’S PRETTY GREAT.
PERTURABO- And what did the loyalist primarchs do about it?
MAGNUS- That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you morons!
PERTURABO- Spit it out then, you windbag!
MAGNUS- THERE AREN’T ANY. IT’S JUST GUILLIMAN. HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO SHOWED UP!
FULGRIM- Wait, didn’t I stab him and put him in a coma? I don’t remember, I was tripping balls.
PERTURABO- Of course you were.
MAGNUS- Well he’s back, and the whole Imperium of Man is a gong show. We’re taking this stuff to the bank, and he’s got his hands full. Also there’s some crap about the Eldar doing something with their god and he’s gonna fight Slaanesh or something, I dunno Fulgrim you might want to look into that.
FULGRIM- Commoragh girls are into-
MAGNUS- Stop right there. Don’t finish that sentence. There are plastic Sisters of Silence now and they don’t need to hear whatever lewd thing you were about to say.
LORGAR- TRULY IT IS THE HOUR OF CHAOS ASCENDANT!
MAGNUS- Please stop yelling into the vox. Also yes, it is. That’s why I called all you idiots.
LORGAR- BUT I ALREADY KNEW IT WAS THE TIME OF-
MAGNUS- No, I knew it. That’s -my- gimmick. You’ve just been saying the same stuff ever since you ascended to demonhood because you’re a brown noser. This time it’s actually happening.
PERTURABO- Unless Guilliman has something to say about it.
MAGNUS- PFFFT. What’s he gonna do, re-hire Matt Ward?
