Jstove here, and now that everyone has their Knights glued up it’s time to talk about the most important decision of all… How to make a radical Freeblade.
Now, most of you are probably thinking, “But that’s not the most important decision. the most important decision is which house I pick.”
Well, you’re wrong, kiddo. Not in AMERICA. Maybe if you’re a fancy English monarchist in a foggy London town where they love disgusting bar food and warm beer. But if you love FREEDOM, cold beer, and cheese on your burger, then Houses are for wusses.
The real AMERICAN KNIGHT IS A FREEBLADE and is piloted by Hulk Hogan.
OH YEAAHHH BROTHER
A Totally Realistic Way to Pick Your Knight’s Heraldry
Every Knight knows the most important part of heraldry, Freeblade or House, is the crotch banner. All knights come with a crotch banner but most of you are too lazy and cowardly to paint it or put a decal on it.
Well that ends today, you weakling. If you’re not man enough to decal or free-hand your Knight’s crotch banner, you’re not worthy of owning the model. Return it to the store, apologize to the manager for wasting his time, and use the store credit to buy a coward army, ideally Tau.
Now that we’ve cleared out all the unworthy PEASANTS and there are only true Knights left, it’s time to decide how to make a complete badass Freeblade crotch banner.
Think Like A Knight Pilot
First of all, Knight pilots are from Knight worlds. Knight worlds are backwoods feudal crap-pump planets that were somehow lucky enough to have electricity in the last functioning reactor dumpster to power up a Household of Knight Titans. That basically means that all Knight Household worlds are somewhere between “Midwest Trailer Park” and “Central Florida Swamp Trash.” Basically, the worst parts of anywhere, but with an internet connection strong enough for LimeWire to download Insane Clown Posse albums.
So now that you know that all Knight pilots are basically just Disney World white trash Coors drinkers that spend their weekends riding 4-wheelers, you can understand how you should select a Knight’s heraldry, and most importantly, their crotch banner.
Sweet-As-Hell Wolf T-Shirt
If you truly understand how a Knight pilot thinks, then you understand that the only choice for a badass freedom loving all-American Freeblade is to go to the nearest promethium station and pick up a badass “howl at the moon wolf” crotch banner.
Here are a few reasons why your Knight should have a wolf banner/wolf t-shirt.
- Easy to get. They sell them at the gas station. You don’t even need to drive all the way to Walmart!
- Wolves are cool, even if they’re the last army to get a codex that probably won’t even be good. Because marines are crap in 8E meta.
- You’re out of gas after buying Slim Jims and a tin of dip and need to push your Knight to the gas station anyway. So you might as well get a sweet wolf crotch banner while you’re there.
So Many Choices
Here’s a selection of some of the totally classical crotch banner art that any badass Knight would be proud to wear while stomping heretics.
THE 1994
This is the ultimate retro throwback to a time when you played mono black in Junior High School because you just discovered your dad’s old Black Sabbath records and wanted to play cards that looked the most metal.
Editors Note: and yes it probably still is the only card worth money still in Fallen Empires.
WOLFCEPTION
It’s got a real wolf on a rock howling at a moon and a spooky ghost wolf in the background. It sends the message, “I’m a lone wolf, but I’m also spiritual.” Ladies dig that.
THE ALL-ROUNDER
Hold the daggum’ phone. This t-shirt is almost too awesome for a t-shirt or crotch banner. You might have to airbrush this bad boy on the back of a denim jacket. It’s got like three wolves on it, an Indian skull, and a moon. That’s how you know it’s authentic badassness.
LONE WOLF
The most important part of being a lone wolf is making sure everyone knows you’re a lone wolf.
So if emblazoning your garment isn’t obvious enough, you can always add words to remind everyone. Assuming that you can write and they can read. Skills are in short supply on Knight worlds.
About the Author: Jack Stover
