Oooh boy, this one is important for some of you to hear, because some hobbyists really need some Warhammer player etiquette.
Hey, it’s the guy your significant others dream about. The Pimcron is coming at ya this week with a few simple polite rules for playing Warhammer. It looks like it came down to me as your Wargaming Sage to codify this and make it easy for you all to follow.
The Odor Equation
It is a mostly-unfair stereotype of gamers that we stink and don’t shower. To be honest, it’s just Magic players for the most part but we get lumped in there too. For those of you who do have this problem, I’ve figured out a good rule of thumb to follow. I really like Math, like more than a friend, so when I’m not playing footsies with it, I’m making equations for body odor.
The number of days you have not showered multiplied by your weight in pounds should never exceed the number of points you are playing in Warhammer divided by three. Here’s an example:
So a 200-pound person could go a maximum of 2 days of unabashed uncleanliness if they wanted to play a 1500 point game.
200 X 2= 400
1500/3= 500
See? And you thought you’d never use math in real life. I know a lot of us gamers are not super social people and some odorous protocol may be wasted on them, so this makes it really easy!
Your Fingers … Clean Them
So Marty McDouble comes over and wants to fondle your excruciatingly painted miniatures. The problem is, his hands are covered in a combination of Cheetos dust and the barbeque sauce he was dipping them in. Many of you would go one of a couple of routes: knuckle-teeth collision, scream and dive in front of your models like The Bodyguard, or gasp and pucker in horror.
I liked this pic, not super relevant, but I liked it.
Not in our gaming club. We have a nice protocol for McDouble’s antics. Prior to touching someone’s models, you ask for permission. Once permission is issued, you relocate yourself to the Sheet of the Unclean. If you can write your name on the stark white paper with the residue on your fingers, you can’t pick up the miniatures. A local twist on this that we like to do is spit on the person with greasy fingers, but that can change regionally.
If the offender washes their hands they may attempt the Sheet of the Unclean again. Repeat as necessary until a clean grade is earned. See? Polite customs can be a great source of two things: protecting your models and getting a chance to hock throat oysters on your friends.
Take Care of Your Gaming Space
At our local store, we have our own area for gaming which is basically just for us. About a year ago, the store began allowing DnD groups to play in our gaming space on nights we weren’t there. Everything was working out alright (although they did not follow the equation above) until they were banned from playing in the store anymore. Not just one, but several DnD groups were banned from the store after just a few weeks. Why you may ask? They left food wrappers and trash all over the place as well as never changing the trash can in that gaming area. They’d stack the trash in a leaning tower of garbage and leave it for the store to clean up.
From day one, you can ask anyone in my group, we’ve been very cognizant of keeping the store clean where we play. We enforce a strict cleanliness policy and all it takes is some passive-aggressive theatrics. Here’s how.
Don’t make this guy back-hand you.
Someone leaves a cup on their table and they turn to leave after their game. I snatch up the cup and call their name so they turn to look at me. I time the toss just right to peg them in the face with the cup. Then I scream at them until they cry and make them tear the cup into pieces and eat it in front of everyone. I’m aware that this is a bit more subtle than some of you would do it, but we have had great success. Any repeat offenders have to wear the trash can as a hat during their games.
There are only two things I’m sure of in this life: I like to respect my store, and I’m unclear on what passive-aggressive means.
I hope I’ve illustrated how easy it can be to enact polite and courteous policies to improve your gaming experience!
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