4 Reasons Not To Play Warhammer: Pimcron

By Pimcron | April 30th, 2021 | Categories: 40k News & Articles, satire, Tabletop Gaming News & Rumors

The star of your steamiest dreams, Pimcron is here this week with four reasons to help you decide if you want to play or get into Warhammer!

There are plenty of reasons why you might want to play Warhammer, but nobody talks about the reasons why you may not want to play it. Here ya go.

You Are an Enemy of Joy

Look, I’m not here to judge anyone. The world takes all kinds and some of you just hate fun. I’m stating facts, there is no hate here. A few symptoms of being too drab to enjoy Warhammer would be an aversion to puppies and other adorable animals. Many people who hate joy also despise bubble gum, glitter, and hugs. Others hate any colors on the spectrum above grayscale.

Some people just like being isolated and pathetic, both of which would be remedied if you started playing Warhammer. So if you repainted your walls charcoal, eat raw lemons, and have to stifle your urge to punt children, Warhammer isn’t for you. Sometimes people see the grimdark setting and think they might play it. One of two things happens to these people. They either rebuke the teaching of Lovecraft and come back into the warm embrace of society, or they explode. Look, I don’t make the rules, they combust. I’ve seen it five times this year.

You Can’t Even

We’ve all been there at some point. You see something new that you want to try but then you realize what it entails, and you just can’t even. Try as you might to even, you just can’t. You can’t even begin to even because the endeavor turned out to be too much for you. It seemed doable when you first heard about it, and you thought you could.

Turns out you can’t. You just can’t even.

Sometimes someone sees the painted models, beautiful terrain, and colorful books and thinks, ‘Oh, I definitely could do this”. Then when they find out you have to assemble it and paint it all yourself and suddenly their interest gauge clicks over from “Can” to “Can’t Even”.

Creativity Gives You a Rash

There is a medical condition called Bobrossophobia which causes severe skin and digestive reactions to creativity. Many an unsuspecting person has joined this hobby to find that they can’t lift a brush without practically prepping for a colonoscopy. And if the runs don’t get you down, the mere sight of a paint pot can cause ear canal bleeding. It is a rough life for these people, imagine having to avert your eyes every time you pass an art gallery.

The point is, if you suspect that you have this disorder, you may want to get clearance from a doctor first before trying Warhammer. They will run a skin test on you where they have to take a needle, dip it in various Citadel paints, and then prick your arm in a pattern. If you have Bobrossophobia, your arm will begin breaking out in hives and you’ll likely have to run to the bathroom.

What a strange world we live in.

Friendship is Not Magic

Do you cringe at the thought of someone getting to know you? Does a friendly smile send shivers down your lonely spine? If this sounds like you, Warhammer is not up your alley. This hobby is pretty social and it is common to make friends once you get into it. So it makes perfect sense that some people who prefer the shadows of their own solitude recoil because this game involves the two words they dread … other people.

There is a subclass of wargamer that is secretly a friendship-hating person, but whose love for Warhammer forced their evolution. These people are called “Neckbeards” or “smelly gamers” and they have developed an intense odor that comes primarily from their anal glands to ward off friends. Like a human skunk, they use their odiferous juices to repel any would-be friendlies. This allows them to keep people at a distance, while still enjoying the hobby. Many people think this is an ill-advised hygiene regimen, and that it is accidental due to low self-awareness. This is not the case. If they wanted friends that would wash their crack once in a while.

So those are the 4 main reasons why you may not want to play Warhammer or the hobby may just not be for you. I hope this has helped you decide if you should take the plunge into this hobby. Stay tuned next week for more Pimcron goodness!