Warhammer Puberty & Getting Started In the Hobby: Pimcron

By Pimcron | April 16th, 2021 | Categories: Age of Sigmar, satire, Tabletop Gaming News, Warhammer 40k

Here’s a totally realistic guide to getting started in the Warhammer hobby with no shenanigans involved whatsoever…

Hey everybody! I figured I’d switch gears this week and write an article for those of you who haven’t yet taken the plunge into our hobby. Everyone else, OUT!

Warhammer Puberty & Getting Started In the Hobby

Okay, now that the existing players are all gone, we can loosen our collars a bit. Let’s just hang out and have a jam session without all of those “squares”.

So you’re interested in Warhammer. You’re scared and confused about what that means for you. All of that is completely fine and natural.

New Sensations

Once you get interested in Warhammer, your body will start changing. You’ll start noticing Warhammer merchandise in stores, and some might notice you too. This is a strange time for all of you new players, you’ll start having Orks show up in new places. Some of you will notice your wallet getting slimmer, while others of you may experience new urges.

It’s completely natural to compulsively check for new releases online. Your browsing history will be embarrassingly loaded with painting tutorials. Your friends will begin to share rumors like, “Kelly is so easy, she doesn’t even read her rules.” Or the famous, “Painting too much will give your sweaty palms (from brush bristles).”

Making Sensible Choices

This is a crazy time for all of you, and the choices you make now will lead you down a path in this hobby. Will you get caught up in The Greater Good, or will you Suffer Not the Heretic To Live? Will you lead surging masses of bodies to devour the galaxy, or awake from a great slumber to punish the living?

There are truly no wrong answers, the point is that you choose a play style that suits you. You might choose to settle down with just one wargame for life or stay free to play any miniatures game. The choice is yours, you’ve got your whole gaming life ahead of you.

I’ve Been There Too

I know some of this might be a bit uncomfortable, but just hear me out. I was once just like you. I know! I know! You can’t imagine such a god among men ever being your age, but I was once. I can still remember my first time and how I got started in the Warhammer hobby. Those moments can’t be forgotten, they are special. I was in a mall with my friends when a cute Assault on Black Reach box caught my eye in a store. Man, it was just sitting there on the shelf, still in the shrink wrap, and begging me to come and introduce myself.

I was a lot like many of you back then though, and I was shy. Too shy for my own good, to be honest. If I had made a move on that starter set, I could have started my relationship with the game much sooner. Here’s some straight talk from someone who’s been there: You only live once, even if it doesn’t work out, you can at least say you tried. You don’t want to regret letting the right wargame pass you by.

Confusing Times

Listen, I know all about the mixed feeling you are experiencing, but I am a success story. I met Warhammer when I was in my twenties and was immediately smitten. I’m proud to say that Warhammer and I have been committed to each other for over a decade now and have multiple beautiful armies. One of the purest joys in my life has been watching those armies grow and change.

We’ve stayed together through the good times and bad. “Hammy” developed a formation problem back in 7^th edition. It nearly destroyed me when she was giving out free artifacts and transports to all of my friends. The fun and happy Warhammer I met back in 5^th edition was a crazy mess, drunk with power. After some therapy and couple’s counseling, we got her into 8^th edition and things have been much better.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t made my share of mistakes though. Hammy stayed with me even while I started flirting with Firestorm Armada, a game twenty years younger. I messed around with Deadzone, Wild West Exodus, and even the goth Malifaux. But in the end, Hammy stayed with me and we are still here together to this day.

When you find the right game system, you just know. It is inevitable that you will both change over time, but the important thing is that you change together.

The Moral of the Story

Players have been falling in love with games since the dawn of time, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Let your heart guide the way and you will find happiness. You’ll love getting started in the Warhammer Hobby.