You should read this Tech-Priest’s message or there is a good chance he’ll issue you a plasma gun, and we all know how that will end for you don’t we?
Another Jstove Original is here:
Dear Loyal Imperial Citizen,
It’s your friendly Spikey Bits Tech-priest here. I’ve got a special news bulletin for you today, and it will help you venerate the God-Emperor and praise the Omnissiah!
You are permitted to respond with a standard amount of joy.
Some of you have had problems in the past with the Spikey Bits website, and because you are ignorant grim dark dogface trench rats with no respect for the simplest of machine spirits, you go and blame the website. Well, as your humble servant of the Omnissiah, that triggers me, because it’s BLASPHEMY.
First of all, there’s nothing wrong with the website. I pray to the machine god and appease the server’s machine spirit 5 times a day with scented candles and the Litany of Turn the Router Off, then On Again, and it pretty much runs great. Furthermore, because the Omnissiah in all its great mechanical forms is FUNDAMENTALLY PERFECT, that means the problem isn’t with the machine, it’s with you, the uninitiated heretic who is abusing it with your ignorance. So in order for us all to get along, and prevent further blasphemy against the Machine God, I’ve created this handy lists of ways to solve your problems with the Spikey Bits website!
So easy, even a flash-fried Krieg clone or a musclehead Catachan can understand!
IF THE WEBSITE IS REDIRECTING TO COMMUNIST TAU KEYLOGGER SPAM
That is not the fault of the machine spirit. You have committed tech-heresy by downloading something heretical elsewhere. Talk to your disgusting bio-spawned children created by exchanging fluids with your partner, and inform that they shouldn’t click on EVERYTHING on the internet. Ideally, they shouldn’t click on anything ever.
Why aren’t you doing your job as a parent, you oxygen sucking flesh sack? Children should not be allowed to venerate the Omnissiah until they are old enough to wash their hands and do dangerous factory work on a glorious Forge World. Stop downloading garbage and blaming it on me, you tech-plebs. If your machine has been compromised by Tau keyloggers, solve this issue by turning in your devices to the nearest sanctioned Mechanicum temple for a logic scrub, and report to your local Arbites precinct station for routine interrogation.
IF THE WEBSITE DOESN’T FUNCTION RIGHT ON YOUR MOBILE DEVICE
-Grow up and look at it on your computer. We aren’t optimized for mobile because we are adults and if you want to look at pictures of cool miniatures, you should do it on a monitor big enough to show them. Seriously, you have no idea how much this upsets the techs back on Mars. We spent nearly 250 years perfecting those Custodian grav-tanks so that they didn’t immediately flip over and instantly kill the driver, and it was a total bitch to get enough cockpit space in that machine that still allowed him to wear his pointy helmet, and then you morons go and try to look at the pictures of our great work on your tiny little phone screens that you tap with your disgusting, oily, grease-filled fleshy fingertips.
You sicken me. Put your phone away, go back to work dying for the Emperor, and if you’re still alive at the end of the day, go look at pictures of miniatures on a real logic engine with a real vid screen, you disgusting flesh-bag. Solution- Report to your local Munitorum office and volunteer to be issued a plasma gun.
Editors Note: (the site is now mobile optimized)
IF YOU GET WEIRD ADS ON THE WEBSITE
-We have nothing to do with that. Those are your cookies and your browsing habits. As a tech-priest, I have no control over what manner of advertising pops up in the adbars on the site.
That part of the website uses an ancient algorithm from the Dark Age of Technology that frankly, I don’t even understand, and I dare not tamper with it. If you had to look at it every day as I do, you wouldn’t want to tamper with it either. Advertising is an ancient alchemical black science that peers into your heart and shows you things that you want, that you might not be comfortable admitting that you want. Solution: Volunteer for a suicide mission. If the God Emperor wanted you to meet sexy singles, the Administratum would have issued you a wife.
Thank you for your fealty and obedience to our Almighty God-Emperor and Omnissiah, and remember, it is required!
Happiness is Mandatory. All praise the Omnissiah!
Editor’s note: But in all seriousness if you’re having issues with your mobile device and ads, checkout our recent posts on some tips for fixing it.
