The mighty Chaos lord Blackadurst the Black of the Black Legion got out of bed, put on his terminator armor, and then went to brush all his teeth.
Welcome to another Jstove original, submitted via subspace transmission.
Since he was a Games Workshop model covered in skulls and demon faces, and he did brush all his teeth, this took about an hour.
His comm link on his armor beeped, he was getting a call on his hellphone from his ally, Tchangaratgh the Unpronounceable, greater demon of Tzeentch and summoner of pink horror blobs.
“Tchan. Just got done brushing my teeth, how’s the warp today?” He asked.
“Ever-changing and full of dire news, Lord Blackadurst!” The demon said in three languages at once, or something. Demons always speak in yells and whispers simultaneously in GW lore, because they’re creepy and stuff.
“I can’t hear you. You’re going to have to turn off your other 8 voices. I don’t speak Spanish.” Blackadurst said.
“Oh yea sorry, force of habit.” Tchablahblahblah said. “Anyway, we just received word of the new Dark Angels spotted! They’re getting the 8th edition treatment.”
“So?” Blackadurst shrugged, and continued to polish his very black armor to a shiny black luster.”Well, they’re the space marine chapter that most aggressively hunts down Chaos.” Tcharbigbird said.
“I thought that was Grey Knights.” Blackadurst replied.
“Yea, but nobody likes Grey Knights. Everyone knows all Grey Knight players were tools in 5th ed, and now they’re just crybabies because their new codex has no wacky inquisitor toys.” Tcharshutup said.
“So what’s the deal with the Dark Angels then?” Blackadurst asked.
“Like I said, they’re getting a decurion. More importantly, they’re getting a codex.” Tcharwhatever explained.
“So what else is new?” Blackadurst asked.
“Word in the warp is that for the first time in over ten bajillion millennia-” Tcharcharchar started.
“Wait, did you say ten bajillion millenia?” Blackadurst cut him off.
“GW designers have no concept of time and space and neither do demons. Remember when the space marines got grave guns last year? Those grav guns that they conveniently always had that were just retconned into the lore but didn’t exist until sixth edition?” Tcharchoochoo asked.
“They have always had those gravguns and I assure you I do not know what you are talking about. We traitors simply forgot how to use them. Or ran out of batteries for them. Or something.” Blackadurst replied.
“Right. Anyway, this is the news- For the first time in TEN BAJILLION MILLENNIA GW TIME, the Dark Angels are getting a book that actually comes out after the vanilla space marine codex, and might not suck, instead of the usual rule, where they precede a vanilla marine codex, and end up being the guinea pig for the blueberries and lemonade marines.” Tchargogargoar said.
“Blueberries and lemonade marines?” Blackadurst asked.
“Oh shut up. You’re Black Legion. You’ve changed your uniform like three times. It’s not my fault you stupid humans have to have a space marine chapter for every flavor of skittle.” Tcharizard said.
“Okay, okay. So they’re getting a new book and it might not be crap. What’s the problem?” Blackadurst asked.
“Well isn’t their thing kind of hunting down the fallen? Shouldn’t you be worried about that?” Tcharmander asked.
“Tchar, no one has actually seen a chaos space marine since M38. It’s codex Cultists and Heldrakes, or Codex Demonkin, the chaos marines are on vacation. What are the Dark Angels gonna do, send us an invitation to a picnic on Caliban, that home planet they blew up?” Blackadurst asked, his evil voice dripping with sarcasm.”Well, I thought you should know. Also, the decurion thing…” Tchar started.
“What’s a decurion?” Blackadurst asked.
“You don’t know?”
“I’m from the first codex of 6th edition. By GW standards, that means I’m almost as old as the Unification Era.” Blackadurst explained.
“Well it basically means instead of using a force org chart, you take a bunch of units from a list, and they get certain perks, and unlock another little link in the chain, and that link takes a list of units for another perk, et cetera, et cetera. Some of the perks are really pretty good. It’s the new thing they’re doing. You play these cookie-cutter army set-ups and they give you these neat tricks for sticking to it.” Thcarizord explained.
“Right, but don’t those lists also include stuff like sinking points into 3 tactical squads and an assault squad you don’t want, and then you unlock flyers, but you get 3 instead of just the one you wanted?” Blackadurst asked.
“Well yea, but you kind of pick and choose. I mean sure, 3 flyers, that’s a little much. That’s not a great pick. But some of the perks you get in the decurion really make up for the deadweight units, you get really good special rules. The point is, everyone is getting them now, so when your codex comes up in rotation again, look for it.” Tcharbutt said.
“Oh yea Skullbradad the Skull Father, my buddy from the World Eaters was telling me about that at brunch yesterday. Apparently the demonkin book has that too.” Blackadurst said.”Aren’t you a little worried that half the units in your book are kind of lame though? I can’t imagine a decurion working out for chaos space marines. I mean you said yourself, you’re already not a fan of your own troops.” Tcharyouarentreadingthis said.”Yea, but things come and go with GW. I mean it really comes down to this- Is my decurion gonna have a slot for 3 heldrakes that let’s them do something stupid like show up on turn one, or deep strike on top of an enemy vehicle and vector strike it, or something wacky like that?” Blackadurst asked.”Well we don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet. But in order to use the decurion, you have to commit to using units you don’t really like.” Tcharcharcharcharchar said.”But if everyone has to do it, then it’s no big deal. I mean sure, I can drag along five raptors if my opponent has to drag along five assault marines. Nobody actually likes marines with jump packs, not even blood angels, and that’s like half their thing!” Blackadurst said.”Well, yea. Okay.” Tchartreuse said.
“Also, you don’t understand mortals. You see the thing about 40k is that half the armies are marines of some kind of another, so there’s a ton of marine players. The measure of an army is how well it kills power armor… I mean theoretically that’s not true, but nobody is actually trying to win a 40k game on objectives, they just want to shoot enemy models off the table, Blackadurst said.”Where are you going with this?” Tcharrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr asked.”
The point is, marine players need to complain, or the galaxy will collapse upon itself. Everyone has to buy more models, in the grim darkness of the far future there is only war, everyone complains, GW sells more money, rinse and repeat until my army is 9 of x and the marine army is 9 of our version of that too.” Blackadurst explained.”So the entire point of 40k is to whine?” Tcharjustevolvedintoallahkazam asked.
“No, the entire point of 40k blogposts is to write satire articles about the chaos codex because whiny imperial players won’t read the article all the way to the end, and then they’ll post stupid comments about the article on facebook because they don’t understand satire.” Blackadurst said.
Hope you enjoyed another Jstove original. Checkout what else he has to say about the game we all love to hate sometimes, HERE!
The point is, marine players need to complain, or the galaxy will collapse upon itself. Everyone has to buy more models, in the grim darkness of the far future there is only war, everyone complains, GW sells more money, rinse and repeat until my army is 9 of x and the marine army is 9 of our version of that too.” Blackadurst explained.”So the entire point of 40k is to whine?” Tcharjustevolvedintoallahkazam asked.
“No, the entire point of 40k blogposts is to write satire articles about the chaos codex because whiny imperial players won’t read the article all the way to the end, and then they’ll post stupid comments about the article on facebook because they don’t understand satire.” Blackadurst said.
Hope you enjoyed another Jstove original. Checkout what else he has to say about the game we all love to hate sometimes, HERE!
