Ever wonder why GW releases products the way they do? Well come along on an interview for their elite marketing department: the Adeptus Marketus.
Welcome to another Jstove original, submitted via subspace transmission.
One day, High Lord of Terra #7 was scouted by a recruiter on LinkedIn.
He took the job interview, thinking “what the heck” and drove his inquisitorial dreadnought throne from the Imperial Palace down the street to the marketing firm on the corner, the one with the Skullbucks Coffee Shop in the bottom floor.
“It’s nice to meet you, sir. You have an excellent resume. Would you like to leave your giant walking throne robot, or at least turn off your loudspeaker?”
“NO. I NEED BOTH BECAUSE HUGE IS ALWAYS BETTER. LOOK AT HOW MUCH BIGGER MY LETTERS ARE WHEN THEY ARE ALL CAPS.”
“Alright.” The interviewer said, politely ignoring him. “I see here that you’re the director of marketing for all the Imperium of Man’s Intellectual Properties, and that you head up the Adeptus Marketus.”
“YES. WE SELL EVERYTHING, MOSTLY WITH SKULLS, AND ALSO HUGE. MOST THINGS SELL BETTER WHEN THEY ARE HUGE AND HAVE SKULLS. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR CENTURIES.”
“Well, I’m sure you know a thing or two about marketing, being in charge of all marketing across the domain of all mankind.”
“WE ALSO SOMETIMES SELL BALLET SHOES TO THE ELDAR. THAT IS A SIDE PROJECT. THE BALLET SHOES ARE MADE OF SKULLS. FOR SOME REASON, THEY ARE NOT VERY POPULAR. I HAVE INSTRUCTED R&D TO MAKE THEM HUGE.
“THIS WILL BE SIMPLE ENOUGH.”
“THE VIKINGS SHOULD BE SPACE MARINES, BECAUSE THOSE ARE HUGE. MAKE THEM SPACE MARINE VIKINGS. ALSO, MAKE THE WOLVES SPACE MARINES AS WELL.”
“You mean remove the wolves, and add more viking space marines?” The interviewer asked.
“NO. I MEAN THE WOLVES SHOULD ALSO BE HUGE AND MAYBE HAVE A LASER EYE OR A ROBOT ARM. THEY SHOULD BE LIKE THE SPACE MARINE VERSION OF WOLVES.”
“Interesting. Another picture.”
He holds up a picture of a vampire.
“THOSE SHOULD BE SPACE MARINES AND THEY SHOULD DRINK BLOOD OUT OF CUPS THAT LOOK LIKE SKULLS.”
He holds up a mongol horse archer.
“THOSE SHOULD ALSO BE SPACE MARINES AND REPLACE THE HORSE WITH A MOTORCYCLE. BUT THE MOTORCYCLE MUST ALSO BE HUGE.”
He holds up a giant ten story robot.
“I LIKE IT, BUT CAN THE ROBOT HAVE A SKULL FACE, AND PERHAPS BE JUST A BIT MORE HUGE?”
“Thank you sir. We’re almost done. Now this last image is one of our biggest products and has been flagging recently… What would you do to increase it’s sales?”
The interviewer holds up an old Empire WHFB army book.
“MAKE THOSE SPACE MARINES TOO. BUT, IN FANTASY.”
About the Author: Rob Baer
Rob Baer
Job Title: Managing Editor
Founded Spikey Bits in 2009
Socials: Rob Baer on Facebook and @catdaddymbg on X
About Rob Baer: Founder, Publisher, & Managing Editor of Spikey Bits, the leading tabletop gaming news website focused on the hobby side of wargaming and miniatures.
Rob also co-founded and currently hosts the Long War Podcast, which has over 350 episodes and focuses on tabletop miniatures gaming, specializing in Warhammer 40k. and spent six years writing for Bell of Lost Souls.
Every year, along with his co-hosts, he helps host the Long War 40k Doubles Tournament at Adepticon and the Long War 40k Doubles at the Las Vegas Open, each of which attracts thousands of players from around the world.
Rob has won many Warhammer 40k Tournaments over the years, including multiple first-place finishes in Warhammer 40k Grand Tournaments over the years and even winning 1st place at the 2011 Adepticon 40k Team Tournament. He was even featured for his painting in issue #304 of Games Workshop’s White Dwarf Magazine.
With over 30 years of experience in retail and distribution, Rob knows all the products and exactly which ones are the best. As a member of GAMA (Game Manufacturers Association), he advocates for gaming stores and manufacturers in these difficult times, always looking for the next big thing to feature for the miniatures hobby, helping everyone to provide the value consumers want.
While he’s played every edition of Warhammer 40k and Warhammer Fantasy (since 5th Edition) and has been hobbying on miniatures since the 1980s, Titans of all sizes will always be his favorite! It’s even rumored that his hobby vault rivals the Solemnance Galleries, containing rulebooks filled with lore from editions long past, ancient packs of black-bordered Magic Cards, and models made of both pewter and resin.
