Ever wonder what the smart Chapter Masters do with the Plasma Pistol they are issued? It’s the Wal Mart of the Grim Dark Future!
Welcome to another Jstove original, submitted via subspace transmission.
OPERATOR: Thank you for calling Chapter Master Emporium, your source for purity seals, gold ropes, chapter-flavored christmas tree ornaments, and custom artificer armor. How may I bling your armor today?
MARINE CAPTAIN: Yea, I would like to get a refund on this plasma pistol.
OPERATOR: I’m very sorry to hear that, astartes. Has your ancient relic somehow failed you in your endless war against the forces of darkness and heresy?
MARINE CAPTAIN: No, it’s not that.
OPERATOR: Has it rolled a one and wounded you? For an extra fifteen points, we can upgrade you to the master-crafted model, which includes your choice of free matching chapter doodads and a pointlessly large optical scope.
MARINE CAPTAIN: No. Stop. Just… Stop with the sales pitch. I don’t want it. I want to return it.
OPERATOR: Sir, your model came with that plasma pistol, are you sure you don’t want it?
MARINE CAPTAIN: Yea well, a lot of marine character models come with plasma pistols. Loyalists and traitors. I mean really, that’s the whole problem. I don’t think any of us actually want them.
OPERATOR: I don’t understand sir, the plasma pistol is S7 AP2, it has great power to unleash the fury of the emperor on your foes.
MARINE CAPTAIN: For like one turn. Maybe. I mean really, I’m fine with just a bolter. I mean I think the only reason we have plasma pistols at all is because the miniature designers like them. They’re like “hey, cool guy gun! Yea! Put it on the boss marine.”
OPERATOR: It is a very cool gun, sir.
MARINE CAPTAIN: It’s fifteen points of pure chump, to be honest.
OPERATOR: Well I wouldn’t go that far sir, that’s blasphemy against the omnissiah.
MARINE CAPTAIN: Oh, I’m not bashing Mars… It’s just that… For fifteen points, I’ll never use this thing. I can get another tactical marine or a scout sniper. Maybe put a hunter killer missile on my predator for a little extra pow on turn 1… But this thing? I’m never gonna use it. I’m gonna hop out of my land raider and punch a guy in the face with my power fist. I don’t need a fifteen point gun for that.
OPERATOR: Sir, may I advise you that your shooting phase is before your assault phase? You can fire it prior to throwing sick haymakers.
MARINE CAPTAIN: Yea I thought of that, but you know, it’s not worth the risk. I mean sure I’ll melt a guy with it, but it’s gonna be the guy in front… That might take a whole inch off my charge range, and if I hop out of my land raider and don’t get into melee, I’m gonna get plasma’d back to third edition by a crisis drop. I mean I don’t need a cute pistol to fight Tau, we just walk up to them and hit them with rocks, their guns don’t work in a fight.
OPERATOR: I never thought of it like that sir.
MARINE CAPTAIN: I know you didn’t. You work in the design studio.
OPERATOR: Well can I interest you in a combi weapon instead? How about a gun that looks really cool and big but actually shoots more than just a pistol shot? You mentioned you’d only fire it once, so the one shot component isn’t much of a loss is it?
MARINE CAPTAIN: Eh… Maybe. Is there some way I can get Relentless? Like can you throw in terminator armor? Actually… I dunno, I’m Initiative 5, I don’t want to lose any opportunity to run those heretics town when I beat them in a fight. Yea, better pass. Just send me a bolter.
OPERATOR: We’re currently having a flavor of the month sale on Grav weapons sir, it’s extended through 2 codex books!
MARINE CAPTAIN: Nah, I really want those points back. Just refund the plasma pistol.
OPERATOR: Alright sir, just send it back to Mars and we’ll send you your fifteen points back in… About 900 years give or take a few decades depending on warp travel conditions.
MARINE CAPTAIN: 900 years?!
OPERATOR: Yes sir, in the grim darkness of the far future, everything takes a pointlessly long amount of time because that’s grim dark. Please make sure that when you send the package back it’s in a box made out of corpse-cardboard from harvested human skin and delivered by a failed chapter aspirant servitor.
MARINE CAPTAIN: Sigh. Alright. When can I get the new bolter?
OPERATOR: With or without chapter bling, sir?
MARINE CAPTAIN: Do I really need a bunch of wacky christmas ornaments hanging off my gun? Like does my gun have to look like a church?
OPERATOR: Is that a rhetorical question, sir?
MARINE COMMANDER: …It is, isn’t it?
Hope you enjoyed another Jstove original. Checkout what else he has to say about the game we all love to hate sometimes, HERE!
About the Author: Rob Baer
Rob Baer
Job Title: Managing Editor
Founded Spikey Bits in 2009
Socials: Rob Baer on Facebook and @catdaddymbg on X
About Rob Baer: Founder, Publisher, & Managing Editor of Spikey Bits, the leading tabletop gaming news website focused on the hobby side of wargaming and miniatures. Rob has won many Warhammer 40k Tournaments over the years, including the Adepticon Team Tournament and American Team Tournaments, and is on a first-name basis with almost every major company in the space.
He’s all gaming all the time. With over 30 years of experience in retail and distribution, Rob knows all the products and exactly which ones are the best. He advocates for gaming stores and manufacturers in these difficult times, always looking for the next big thing to feature for the miniatures hobby, helping everyone to provide the value consumers want.
While he’s played every edition of Warhammer 40k and Warhammer Fantasy (since 5th Edition) and has been hobbying on miniatures since the 1908s, Titans of all sizes will always be his favorite! It’s even rumored that his hobby vault rivals the Solemnance Galleries, containing rulebooks filled with lore from editions long past, ancient packs of black-bordered Magic Cards, and models made of both pewter and resin.
