Hey everyone, I have an exclusive interview with the God-Emperor of Mankind! Finally, the words from his own mouth!
Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. How on Earth did Pimcron get an exclusive interview like that? Well, it’s a funny story, really.
How I Hunted Him Down
I was just reading a Wikipedia page about the Emps, and realized that he was born around 8,000 BC and that he was just chillin’ on Earth for thousands of years before the Age of Strife. So, if you do the math you quickly realize that our Golden Bossy Daddy is alive right now! I searched long and hard over the course of an afternoon, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t in my hometown. I was pretty bummed, because if he had been my neighbor or something that would have made things much easier.
That’s when it hit me. The Emperor is a Psyker! I would have to look where psykers would congregate. After a quick search, I found one of those old psychic hotlines. The following is a transcript of our conversation, which is groundbreaking and only from yours truly!
Transcript
After I agreed to pay $3.75 a minute to talk to a psychic friend, it didn’t take long to get on the line.
Lady- Hello, friend! We currently have four psychic friends available! I sense that you are searching for something.
Pimcron- Yes! Wow! That is uncanny! I am actually looking for the God-Emperor of Mankind. I don’t know his name, but if he works with you, he’d be pretty easy to spot. He’s like ten feet tall. Usually, has a golden halo of light emanating from behind his head?
Lady- The … God-Emperor?
Pimcron- Yes. Does he work with you?
Lady- Why-why yes! This person certainly does work for this hotline. Let me see if he’s available right now. [inaudible mumbling] Yes, here he is! Thanks for calling our hotline!
[clicking noises]
Emperor- Hello. This is the Emperor. Who is this?
Pimcron- Oh, my gosh! I-I’m speechless. I didn’t expect that to work. Wait, how do I know that you’re the real Emperor of Mankind?
E- Test me, mortal. Ask me a question that only I would know.
P- How tall are you?
E- [inaudible mumbling] Around ten feet tall.
P- Well, now that’s great. I was afraid I was being taken for a fool. But now I at least know you’re the real deal. I have a ton of questions for you!
E- Fire away, champ.
The Real Questions Start
P- Are you already working on your plans for Space Marines? Like right now in this day and age?
E- Well, yeah. Like as a side thing. I’m pretty active on Uber so, yeah. But when I’m not busy I’m working on Space Marines, Space Army, Space Air Force, and even Space Coast Guard. Got a lot of irons in the fire, to be honest.
P- Wow! This is fantastic. Next question, what’s your real name?
E- Jamal.
P- Oh. Okay. I was expecting something a little more … I don’t know. Ancient? Or like, Roman? I don’t really know, but Jamal is pretty interesting.
E- My friends call me Emperor though.
P- Oh. Like, right now people are calling you the Emperor?
E- … Yes?
P- I’m not trying to judge you or anything, no hate. Just thought that was a thing later on.
E- Absolutely. It will be. Yes.
P- Next question: How are you fighting Chaos in this time period?
E- … I mean, I have a leather-bound planner that I like to write appointments in. It helps keep me straight. [opens a bag of potato chips and begins crunching]
P- I actually meant against the forces of Chaos.
E- [someone mumbling in the background] Pass, next question.
He is Communicating With Eldar
P- Oh, alright. Are you currently in contact with any Eldar, whether it be psychically or otherwise?
E- Short answer: yes.
P- What’s the long answer?
E- Yes, I am.
P- Do you want to expound on that statement any further? Like how are you communicating?
E- No. [crunching loudly]
P- Okay, well I have quite a list of questions so-
E- To be honest, my shift is over in about two minutes, so I’m going to have to let you go. Do you want a reading or something?
P- Oh, no. I don’t believe in that nonsense. I’m a man of science.
E- Aight. Well, look, this has been fun. Stay fresh, Pimcron.
P- Wow, that forty minutes went by fast. Do you work tomorrow?
E- No, I’m off until Thursday. [crumpling bag of chips]
So there you have it!
The best $150 I ever spent. We didn’t have quite enough time to cover everything I wanted, but I figure I’ll get back up with him on Thursday.
Any other questions you want me to ask him?
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