Come see what the orientation pamphlet would look like for all the new Deathwatch recruits that are trying to make it big in the Ordo Xenos.
Dear Astartes, congratulations!
If you are receiving this vidtext file in your logic engine console, you have been selected for service in the Deathwatch.
If you are not an imperial space marine and you feel you have received this orientation letter by accident, then report to the nearest Adeptus Arbites precinct house for summary termination. Have a nice day.
Within 48 Terran hours, you will be shipping off in an inquisition watch ship for the next exciting step in your military career. This is a non-negotiable volunteer position and your chapter master has volunteered you. This orientation package will answer any questions you might have about your adjustment to the Deathwatch.
What am I allowed to bring?
Only your armor. If you are a Space Wolf, Blood Angel, or Dark Angel, you are not allowed to bring any wolf, blood, or dark/black wargear anything. The Deathwatch does not have the facilities to kennel your thunderwolf and if you bring it, it will be euthanized. Also, all your wolfy bloody edgy darky stuff is stupid and if we made an exception for your chapter’s dumb traditions, we’d have to make exceptions for every other chapter’s dumb traditions too. Please respect that we don’t respect your stupid snowflake cheese unit. This is an inquisitorial black ops unit and we take ourselves very seriously.
Weapons and Wargear orientation
The most defining and fun part about joining the Deathwatch is our unique wargear, which you will soon be familiarizing yourself with. To help your adjustment, we will go over the wargear you are likely to be assigned in this pamphlet.
FLAK CANNONS
Devastator veterans will all be assigned flak cannons. Technically, we have heavy weapon assignments besides the flak cannon, but because the flak cannon is the coolest gun ever, you will be assigned the flak cannon. Do not ask about weapons that are not the flak cannon. The combi-heavy bolter is pretty cool, but it is not the flak cannon.
TERMINATOR WEAPONS
If you have a powerfist, report immediately to the chapter armory to have a meltagun duct taped to it. All terminator powerfists can now get meltafists. You will always buy this upgrade because it is cool as hell, it is non-negotiable. See flak cannons.
CUSTODIAN SPEAR
All watch captains will be armed with the iconic custodian halberd. You will not require a bike or a jump pack. Having a bike or a jump pack will prevent you from doing cool stoic poses with your custodian halberd. Do not question this, we have spent centuries perfecting the poses.
HEAVY THUNDER HAMMERS
Like normal thunder hammers, except #*$% you!
THE HOLY BOLTER
Most Deathwatch initiates will be issued the holy bolter at some point during their assignment, and this is the defining Deathwatch weapon, perfectly developed to have the right tool for slaying any Xenos. The Deathwatch ammo-selector combi bolter is so important that it receives it’s own section in the orientation pamphlet, independent of all other special weapons.
SCOPES
All Deathwatch bolters include a tactical optical scope. You are forbidden to use it, and it is only there for the sake of looking really really cool. All Deathwatch marines are required to make badass poses and fire from the hip. If you actually want to aim your gun and shoot aliens the smart way, go join the Raptors. Here, we shoot from the hip because it looks cool.
TOP LEFT BUTTON- CUP HOLDER
This button, often mistaken for a hellfire round selector, is actually much more important. It deploys the cup holder for your beer, so you can use your free hand to gesture dramatically, or hold a power weapon.
TOP RIGHT BUTTON- SQUIRREL ROUNDS
Squirrel rounds target the dick of the nearest Tyranid player and shoot their nuts off. If you attempt to use squirrel rounds on any other enemy, your bolter will jam and you will offend the weapon’s spirit. This is because of all Xenos players, only Tyranid generals actually have balls. Ork players have been extinct since 6th edition, and if Tau and Eldar players had testicular fortitude, they would not own Tau or Eldar armies.
BOTTOM LEFT BUTTON- MISSION SPECIFIC AMMUNITION
The only fire selector button on your bolter that actually selects fire.
BOTTOM RIGHT BUTTON- WITCH BEACON
Pressing this button sets off an alarm that informs your watch commander that you need an adult. An allied Librarius Conclave will be sent to your position to cheese away whatever threat you are facing in the psychic phase, because even though we are the Deathwatch, having just one librarian in the formation is never enough.
“The only regret I have is that I only have one life to give for the emperor.”
