Pimcron’s got all the answers to step up your game. If you use these Pre-Warhammer rituals you will without a doubt win your next battle!
Hey everybody! This week I’ve got a bunch of super applicable advice for you to prepare to play your best! Each of these real-world battle preps gets you into the mindset of the warrior and takes your games to the next level!
Intimidating Dance
Some societies created a war cry dance to intimidate the enemy at the beginning of the battle and to work their warriors into a frenzy. They called upon the God of War using a ritual dance when a fight was about to start.
So I tried my own war-dance before a tournament, and I was really surprised by what society considered indecent exposure. I didn’t want to do one of the boring, run-of-the-mill war dance that everyone has seen a million times. So I rented a Cher outfit complete with wig and sequins and turned up Genie in a Bottle. I only got halfway through my routine when the tournament organizer called the cops because I had a wardrobe malfunction.
Being that I was arrested, it’s hard to say how effective it is but my opponent was pretty intimidated.
Camping Induces Rage
The berserker was an elite warrior that used pure rage in battle. To achieve the status of a berserker, they had to live in the wilderness and become possessed by one of three animals to conjure strength from; the bear, the boar, or the wolf. The warrior then had to drink the blood of the chosen animal and wear its pelt when summoning its strength in battle.
Are They Original in Any Sense?
This was the next one I tried and, again, was arrested. I don’t live anywhere near a giant national park so the best thing I have is a public park. I set up camp inside one of those big plastic tubes in the playground equipment and had to designate one of the slides as my restroom. Of course, they had a portable bathroom about twenty feet away, but I’m not using that thing; they are disgusting. Needless to say, the only spirit animal I contacted was my lawyer from a holding cell. I didn’t feel stronger at all and the only vision I had was from sharing a drink with that homeless guy.
Superstition Wins Battles
The ancient Greeks did not take superstition lightly and often sought the guidance and protection of their Gods before a battle. They offered ritual sacrifices to their Gods to ensure imminent victory. The sacrifices and symbols they used guaranteed that they’d win.
First of all, I am NOT a superstitious guy. So doing all of this stuff was really hard for me, I don’t subscribe to stuff like chakras and rare earth metals. I am firmly rooted in science and logic. But I went to the game store ringed with rabbit’s foot necklaces, my pockets full of four-leaf clovers, and avoided all the ladders I could. I was so distracted by all of this prep that I forgot my dice and had to borrow some. You all know how that game ended, it’s bad luck to use someone else’s dice so they rolled really poorly for me and I lost. I would not recommend this practice.
Bait & Switch Method
Sometimes the best fights are the ones you walk away from.
I’m going to come right out and say it, this is my favorite method to win Warhammer battles. When I am slotted to play a real WAAC player, I used this strategy. I found my most impressionable friend and talked him up about how my opponent was a real jerk, kicked cats, cheated on his taxes, etc.
Then I got my friend really drunk and convinced him to play that WAAC player instead of me. I talked him up about how honorable it was, and how impressed I’d be if he was willing to do this for me. He got completely creamed on the tabletop: didn’t last two turns.
But I went out for ice cream while he was fighting my battle for me, so I think it turned out pretty well.
I Saw The Witch Doctor
Some tribes engage in ceremonial stick duels between 20 or more young men of rival villages to earn respect from their families and community. Before a duel takes place, a witch doctor will bless the fighters with sacred leaves and cut patterns into their skin with razors. These patterns serve as a supernatural defense against serious harm.
I was NOT about to get my face cut for Warhammer, so I did it halfway. Your pal Pimcron went to the local “witch doctor” Veera, whose sign outside her house glowed ‘Palm Readings by Veera’. I was skeptical at first, but she told me that I was going to lose horribly in that battle I was headed to, so I canceled it. Boom. Crisis averted.
She also told me what age I was going to get married and that I would have two kids. This was neat because I’m already married, with four kids. I knew she couldn’t be wrong, so I can only assume she’s talking about my next marriage, which is something to look forward to at least.
Do You Have Any Pre-Battle Rituals to Guarantee Victory?
Check out more of Pimcron’s Articles
Click the picture to use any models from any genre in this fantastic RPG-lite skirmish wargame.
A pocket Narrative rulebook for your *favorite* 28mm wargame.
This podcast will entertain you.
