Cato Sicarius is here to explain how he and other small marines are better than the Primaris Marines and how you should be thankful for having thumbs.
Strategic genius Cato Sicarius has a strong opinion about the Primaris Marines and why if you have a different opinion than he does, you should be mind-wiped and made into a servitor.
Hello, I’m Cato Sicarius. I’m kind of a big deal.
You’ve probably heard of me. In case you haven’t because you’ve been living in the Eye of Terror for the past 10,000 years, I’m kind of a strategic genius. I’m pretty much the best there’s ever been, except for every Ultramarine character that’s cooler than me, like Calgar, Tiggy, Chaplain Bug Hater, and Papa Smurf.
Anyway, you’re probably wondering what I think about Primaris Marines, because as a strategic genius, naturally you value my opinion over all others. If you don’t value my opinion over all others, then that’s because you don’t know that I’m Cato Sicarius or you don’t know who Cato Sicarius is. In either case, you’re stupid and you’ll probably be mind-wiped and made into a servitor.
Anyway, here’s what I think about Primaris Marines, me, Cato Sicarius.
I’m not a Primaris Marine, so they’re probably bad. Anything that isn’t me just generally isn’t that good because I’m a narcissist. Understand how that works? It’s easy, allow me to explain – I’m Cato Sicarius. That’s it, that’s all the explanation you need. Besides the fact that Primaris Marines are obviously inferior to me because I’m the greatest thing since the second coming of Raw Booty Gilly Man. I’ll elaborate for you because that’s just what kind of nice guy Cato Sicarius is.
I’m going to show you something that only Cato Sicarius and other small marines can do that Primaris Marines can’t. I’m going to open a car door.
Wait for it. Watch me now.
<click>
Remember to fasten your seat belt. I always do, because I’m Cato Sicarius.
<closes car door>
<opens it again, gets out.>
I can do that with anything because I’m brilliant. Drop pods, Caestus Assault Rams, Storm Ravens, Rhinos, Razorbacks, Land Raiders, Mastodons… The list goes on. I can hop in and out of any vehicle with a giant U painted on it because I’m Cato Sicarius, strategic genius.
That my friends, those who are so blessed and privileged to have the friendship of Cato Sicarius, is why Primaris Marines will never be as good as me. Because I have thumbs and can operate car doors.
Primaris Marines do not have thumbs.
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About the Author: Jack Stover
